


Branded but Beloved

by He11sDomain



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Prison, Shironeki | White-haired Kaneki, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-06-08 06:38:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 31,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6843277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/He11sDomain/pseuds/He11sDomain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Amon is imprisoned in a CCG prison, as is Kaneki. Amon initially watches from a distance, but suddenly they are forced to be cellmates. Amon's animosity toward Kaneki slowly fades as he learns more about him...and his past. WARNING: includes references to torture and rape.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time utilizing Ao3 so I hope formatting is alright! This fanfic is based on an alternate storyline I've had a fascination with for awhile, so I hope I do it justice.
> 
> Enjoy Chapter 1!:)

XxXxXxX

 

These three walls have become my cage. Three walls and a fourth built of steel bars and no hope of escape.

My current residence is a prison created by the CCG called Quinx Penitentiary. It imprisons humans and ghouls alike, and every day I stare into the face of ghouls I imprisoned, helped imprison, hoped to imprison, or were imprisoned before I became a ghoul investigator. To see the tables turn on me is...horrific. Devastating.  

I deserve this though, don’t I? I’m not imprisoned just because the CCG said “hey, why not?” They have legitimate concerns, and legitimate reasons. They believe I befriended the notorious ghoul Eyepatch.

It’s not true at all, but I can almost understand their unsubstantiated worries. I have been… _intrigued_ by Eyepatch. CCG does not have to worry about me befriending the enemy though. Eyepatch intrigues me, but…I hate him. I hate him with all my being.

The scenery surrounding my cage is minimal. The huge room is two stories, and I’m placed on the second. Within this room are 50 cells, 25 on one side and 25 on the opposite side. On both first and second floors are one row of ghouls and one row of humans. Between the two sides is an open space, and looking down I can see the first floor. Looking straight ahead I can see every single ghoul imprisoned within this room.

I despise it, but I also take a certain satisfaction in it.

Serves them _right._

I look to see one ghoul in particular, the one ghoul that makes my blood boil enough to jump out of my skin. Eyepatch himself was imprisoned here a few weeks ago for a reason I don’t know, and since then he’s been stationed in a cell directly across from mine. I try to ignore him whenever I can, but sometimes I can’t help but stare. I hate him, and I’m intrigued by him. It’s an obnoxious paradox I’d rather live without.

When my former partner Mado-san had been fighting Rabbit, Eyepatch was my obstacle, and when I finally found Mado-san he was drenched in his own blood, dead.

Eyepatch…you will never be forgiven.

But as he sits in his cell it’s a stark contrast to eating and killing and letting Mado-san die. He is staring through the bars that encage him and his face is absent of expression. He is so calm, so stoic. While I am often a raging tornado of emotion he is a serene log drifting downstream.

It makes me all the more curious of him, but it also makes me resent him. Because it’s a lie. He is a ghoul, a _murderer_. Yeah, he seems calm. He’s calm until he’s sinking his teeth into your throat and calling you a snack.

Throughout imprisonment it’s clear I’m not the only one that resents the One-Eyed ghoul. I’ve been locked in Quinx Penitentiary for months, and I’ve picked up on many things. One of them is, Eyepatch isn’t exactly… _welcome._ Primarily because he’s dangerous, probably more dangerous than we know.

A guard passes by his cell, spitting between the steel bars and landing directly on Eyepatch’s cheek. The boy does nothing, and it makes me wonder what could possibly rile him up enough to retaliate.

The empty space between my cell and his is great, but I can still easily hear the guard's words. He takes the baton and hits Eyepatch between the bars.

"What the hell is wrong with you ya goddamned ghoul? Don't you say anything?"

In all the instances I've seen him, I've felt that Eyepatch tries to be a mere shadow amongst the walls. He doesn't want anyone to notice him or interact with him. He just wants to be alone.

Of course, because of his abilities and unique one eye, I doubt that'd ever happen.

One-Eyed says nothing, and the guard stops beating him and leans against the bars. I can’t hear what he’s saying, but I notice the responding twitch of the ghoul’s body. I wonder what was said.

Eyepatch never verbally responds and the guard moves on with a smirk on his face.

The ghoul has bruises on his neck and arms, and because of his stunted RC cells (the ghouls get daily injections) they will heal just like a human's. Minutes pass. Apparently I've been looking at him for awhile, because his gaze flickers over to mine and our eyes meet.

Even far away I can see the pain in his eyes. Not the pain from a simple beating, but something…worse, deeper. Something not so easily repaired. It almost made me slightly curious.

Then I turn away from him, annoyed. I hate ghouls, and I hate ghouls like Eyepatch even more. He is acting like a sheep then slaughtering like a wolf. There is no dignity there. He tricks humans into believing he's calm, kind, safe. What a bunch of bullshit.

I look up, staring at the dull ceiling. I grit my teeth. _Mado-san...if it weren't for this ghoul you might still be alive._

My thoughts are dark, and hours must have passed because I only look away from the ceiling when Besch calls out, “It’s almost time for light’s out, Amon.”

Besch is my cellmate. He’s young, probably around my age. He has dark circles under his eyes, and he begins coughing. I don’t know what crimes Besch committed, but he doesn’t belong _here._ He belongs in a hospital. He’s sick, has been ever since I met him in here.

Quinx Penitentiary doesn’t care though, and that’s what pisses me off the most.

Besch was right, soon it's lights out and the fluorescents are all extinguished. It's almost completely pitch black, and I find my bed through the dark. I crawl onto the top bunk and beneath the thin covers. For the little-to-nothing I've done today, I'm exhausted, and sleep takes me easily.

 

XxXxXxX

 

Each day has the same monotonous, carved-in-stone schedule. 8am are ghouls’ daily injections. Anytime between 8 and 9:30 inmates’ mail is delivered to individual cells. 9:30am is group showers for half of the inmates. 12pm is lunch. 2:30pm is free time outside in the courtyard, and immediately after is the second shower time at 3:30pm. 6pm is dinner. Light’s out is 10pm.

Right now it’s 2:30 and I’m outside in the courtyard. It's an open space of grass the guards let us out to. It's free time we're provided and an hour long. There's a makeshift basketball court, a few weights in one corner of grass, and some bleachers. But most of the grass area is an empty field.

Every time I come out here I wonder how it ended up this way. The sky, the clouds, the fresh air—I used to take so much for granted. Now my freedom has been taken and I’m stuck here for as long as my sentence demands: two years. How long have I been here now? Two months, maybe three? Nothing.

I look to my left, and look through the huge fence separating one grass field from another.

Because of the vast difference between human and ghoul, even within the courtyard there is a large dividing fence between us. The ghouls receive RC suppressant fluid injections, but they still have an innate desire to kill, to _eat_ , and the humans that run this prison have certain regulations in place to keep us apart.

Their side of the fence looks exactly like ours, and the building opens to let the ghouls into the courtyard. I notice Eyepatch is the last in line, his body still bruised from the beating he received from the guard. He quietly moves to the least populated area, and I roll my eyes, sauntering away to sit on a bleacher.

Some humans in this prison have a fascination about ghouls and obsess over their mere existence (I acknowledge it could have developed merely through the boredom of imprisonment). Three humans beside me, two men and a woman, are talking about ghouls. I barely turn my head to the right, listening in.

"I _swear_ , I heard a guard talking about it the other day."

"Damn if the guard said it then it must be true."

"But there's no way. It could kill one of us."

I'm no longer discreet. I turn to them and poke one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me, but may I ask what you’re talking about?"

The woman nods, excited to repeat the news and spread the gossip. "There are some ghouls in this facility that are said to demonstrate 'good behavior.'" She does the quotation marks. "If it keeps up they're considering moving them one-by-one to the human side. Apparently there’s an overflow of ghouls and they don't have enough cells to keep them all in."

I'm surprised and absolutely horrified. "So to resolve that they're going to move ghouls to _our_ side?"

One of the men is equally distraught. "It's horrible. They'll kill us."

He's not wrong, but he didn't help my knowledge base. I turn back to the woman. "What do they deem _good_ behavior?"

She shrugs and twirls a strand of hair along her finger. "Someone who hasn't had an infraction or any privileges removed within the last six weeks. At least, that's what the guard said."

I grit my teeth. I am disgusted it's come to this. The ghoul:human ratio is high as it is, but there's so many ghouls that they have to move in with the _humans?_

This...this won't bode well.

I ask one more question. “If…If somehow this first ghoul they send acts well on our side, and he doesn’t hurt anyone…” I’m scared for the answer. “Do you think the higher-ups will send even more ghouls to our side?” Without my quinique I can’t protect everyone. God _damn_ it.

All three look down, shrugging. Their worry is clear, though. If the ghouls are trusted enough to live in human cells, it’s only a matter of time before their hunger emerges…and they _kill…_

The woman speaks. Her voice is shaking. “L-Let’s…Let’s just hope i-it doesn’t come to that.”

I nod and stand. There’s not much room in the courtyard, but I need to take a walk.

As I walk I turn and watch the ghouls’ side of the courtyard. They’re loud, rowdy, and many are fighting. I notice Eyepatch is doing none of these things, merely looking up at the sky. There’s something odd twinkling in his eyes.

I’ve seen him do it before. I wonder what he thinks about.

I turn away and look down at the ground. The ghouls are dangerous, evil, an abomination. If they are allowed on the humans’ side people will get hurt. There’s no telling what they could do.

I walk faster and clench my hands into tight fists. Oh how far I have fallen. People are going to be killed, by _ghouls,_ and there’s nothing I can do about it. For once, there is nothing I can do about it.

I pass the basketball hoop, and I punch it as hard as I can. “God _damn_ it!”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was pointed out to me I made an error in the formatting of my story, so as an apology I am posting Chapter 2 early.:D
> 
> Side note: I'm not usually this swift though.

XxXxXxX  
Time passes, and it turned out the rumors were true. It has now been two weeks since the first (and so far, only) ghoul has moved into a human cell. No blood has been spilt, but it's only a matter of time. This isn't goddamn  _safe __._

We're out in the courtyard and I go find the man sharing a cell with a ghoul. His name is Walter and even before he roomed with a monster I have gotten to know him well. He was imprisoned for voluntary manslaughter and has been at Quinx Penitentiary for eight years. Honestly, this man doesn't seem like he could hurt a fly. I wonder what his real story is.

I sit beside Walter on the bleachers, and he waves in greeting. "How are you, Amon?"

I smile lightly. "I should be asking you that. You're cellmates with a ghoul." Walter is one of the few I've conversed with within the prison. We don't agree on everything, but he's shrewd, kind, and seemingly trustworthy. Truth be told, I hold him in high regard.

He is one of the few I've told about how I am (was) a ghoul investigator, and he doesn't seem surprised by my response. "Ah yes. I forget, you believe all ghouls are evil."

I don't hesitate. "They are."

"If a coyote eats a rabbit to survive, is it deemed evil?"

Damn wise old man. I spat, "This is different."

He shakes his head. "I do not believe so. Ghouls eat humans, but it's not their fault. It's in their DNA." He scratches his gray beard. "In order to survive they eat what they must, just as we do."

I feel my anger rise. "But what we do isn't murder!"

He looks at me, and his eyes twinkle. "But isn't it?"

I grit my teeth, and look away. I stare at the ghouls' side of the courtyard. They are still rowdy, annoying, abominations. I absently notice Eyepatch is staring up at the sky. In a few minutes I am calm again, and I revisit the topic. "How is living with the ghoul?"

"It is fine."

"No danger?"

"No danger." My brain whispers  _for now_ , but I don't voice it.

Because even if the ghoul's not threatening you, even if it's not actively trying to kill you, it will. It's only a matter of time. Their thirst for human is strong and hunger wins over humanity ten times out of ten.

"Which ghoul is yours?" I ask.

Walter scans the courtyard for his cellmate, then points to a thin, black-haired ghoul. "The one with the big tattoo on his shoulder. His name is Sheik." He leans back onto the bleacher above him, his elbows resting on the cold bench. "His parents were killed when he was twelve. He enjoys sewing dresses for his little sisters and watching NBA sports on cable."

Huh...that's not the answer I was expecting. "What's he here for?"

Walter suddenly turns his gaze to me, solemn. "…For being a ghoul."

His eyes see through me. I feel oddly flustered by the gravity of his stare, and I shamefully look away. "I see," is all I can mutter.

"You're not curious about Sheik though, are you? You're not even curious about my living arrangements with him."

I scrunch my eyebrows. What? That had been the entire reason I came over here. What the hell is he going on about?

"You're curious what I know about the One-Eyed ghoul. The Eyepatch."

I blink furiously then yank my head in Walter's direction. What the fuck, what the absolute _fuck _?__

"And how the  _hell _did you reach that conclusion?"__

Walter scratches his beard, chuckling slightly. My gaze is deadly but he's not intimidated at all. "I'm old Amon, but I'm not blind. In fact, I notice many things others do not." He's watching through the fence now, and I follow his gaze to see he's looking at Eyepatch. Eyepatch is looking at nothing but the sky.

"Unfortunately, I know very little about that ghoul. He's mysterious, abnormal, but he shows little malice to me. What he seems most of all is…" He pauses, searching for the right word. "Pained. So utterly, utterly pained."

As I watch Eyepatch I remember that I have gotten that impression as well. His eyes seem haunted, like he's seen and endured things he shouldn't. I wonder how old this ghoul is.

I say, "A lot of the ghouls don't get along with him. A lot of humans too." The first day Eyepatch arrived at Quinx Penitentiary is likely the most memorable day of my imprisonment thus far. The guards had trouble finding a cellmate for him, either because they wanted to _kill _Eyepatch, or get his help escaping from the prison altogether. Many of the guards mistreat him too. I hate Eyepatch, but...something about everything he's been through just isn't right. It doesn't sit well with me.__

Walter is still watching Eyepatch as he nods. "Because in their eyes he's too different. He doesn't fit in with the ghouls, yet he doesn't fit in with humans. He has nowhere he belongs...he's alone..."

I let it sink in. What has Eyepatch been enduring all this time? That very first time I met him, a time that feels like centuries ago, he had been talking to me about change. How both humans and ghouls should get along, how we shouldn't fight each other. Is that what had sparked my curiosity in him? Has my despair for Mado-san's death blinded me so completely that I couldn't see Eyepatch was different? That maybe others were different?

I have much to think on, but I need to do it on my own. I stand. "Thank you for your time Walter."

I can hear the smile in his voice. "You're quite welcome, Amon."

XxXxXxXxX

That evening I thought a lot about Walter's words. It was disconcerting how astute he was, but I think he's right. I am curious about Eyepatch. I want to know his story. But, just knowing I want to know more about him makes me…angry. Why must my self-fulfillment be completed by a ghoul? Why do I have to care about a  _ghoul? ___

In the middle of my musings three short dings ring through the intercom, signaling a meal. The guard Crowe leads me and several other inmates to the cafeteria. I miss my light banter with Besch during this time.

Because when I got back from the courtyard today I discovered Besch wasn't in our cell. Then a guard informed me he was taken to the clinic, and would probably be hospitalized tomorrow. It sounds like Besch is in bad trouble.

I don't pray, but I silently hope Besch is alright. We weren't friends, but he was a good cellmate. The door opens and I'm led into the cafeteria.

There are 2 instances ghouls and humans are put together: the showers and the cafeteria. I resent it entirely, and it makes no sense (why eat fake human food when real food is in the seat next to you?). Regardless, I endure. I'll endure just like always.

And when I get out of here I'll make sure the CCG  _does _something about this.__

I walk to the right side of the spacious room. Human food and ghoul food are side-by-side, and I get in line and take my human dish. I look at the contents. Every day the human food is different, but the quality remains…painfully the same.

Several inmates are already at the tables eating their food, and I go to a random table, sitting without even looking up from my tray. My musings are still so distracting. When I first met Eyepatch he let me live. He had disarmed me, then declared he didn't want to be a killer. He told me to  _run _.__

Eyepatch kept me alive when he could've so easily eaten me. Why did he do that? What is the meaning of this? Is Eyepatch the only ghoul like this, or are there others?

A few minutes pass, and I'm almost done with my food when a soft voice beside me speaks. "It has been many months since I've spoken with you, Investigator."

I stop mid-chew and for a moment, before I even identify the owner of the voice, I am incited to violence. There are few inmates I've told of my occupation, and I have never told  _this _voice.__

I turn to see Eyepatch himself sitting beside me. He is looking at me, and I think I knew even before I turned that it was he who had spoken. So he remembers me too?

Usually when I see him it's from a distance, and it's almost surreal to have him sitting beside me now. I know I'm staring but I can't stop myself. Up close I realize just how white his hair really is. The first time I met him it was the darkest black, and now there isn't the slightest _hint _of it. Even if he had dyed it there would be dark roots. So how is it so white?__

For some ungodly reason though, I'm suddenly angry. I'm angry Eyepatch is sitting beside me, I'm angry I'm curious about his white hair, that he's a ghoul, that he let me live. I'm angry he let me live when everything I've ever learned about a ghoul is that they are malicious and evil. I'm so damn _angry _.__

I growl, jut my chin, and say nothing. I feel like a spiteful child but I don't care.

I don't see Eyepatch's expression and he goes back to eating his fake human food. From my peripheral I notice his fingernails, black as night. He's in a jail for fuck's sake, how are his nails manicured? Is there a fucking salon in this place I don't know about? What the hell? 

The black fingernails take his food to his mouth, and I grimace with repulsion. The food looks like shit, but somehow even the way he eats is delicate, almost graceful, and it's a stark contrast to the dish in front of him.

I had been so engrossed that my head jolts in surprise when he speaks. "I didn't used to eat food like this. I haven't always been like this..." Eyepatch's voice sounds sad and distant. He must have noticed me staring at his food. I squint my eyes at him. Haven't always been, what, a ghoul? A monster? I call bullshit. You're born human or you're born ghoul; there's no in-between.

I hadn't even realized Walter is at my table, but I look up to see him intrigued by our exchange. Of what I don't know, and don't care.

I take the last bite of my food and stand before Walter can say anything I don't want to hear. I'm tired and just want to go to bed.

As I turn to leave I bump into a large body. I'm not used to anyone being bigger than me, and I look up to see a gruesome expression.

The voice is deep. "You ran into me bitch."

Many may feel fear in this situation, but me, no. I may not have my quinque, but I'm trained in more than just ghoul killing. My eyes do not waver. "It was you who ran into me."

Then I stare at his face more, and I realize he's familiar. With his strong jaw and dark eyes, coupled with the deep scar along his right cheek, I remember. Danzo Gershille. A ghoul that I had captured and imprisoned many months ago.

Oops.

He seems to recognize my identity just as I recognize his. The first punch launches and I'm not ready for it. I gasp as I'm sent flying backward, my back painfully hitting a table. "Bastard," I mutter, and as I try to stand he runs at me and kicks his foot into my stomach. The breath is knocked out of me, and I can do nothing but watch in surprised horror as he rears back for another hit.

The hit never comes, and a small body suddenly stands before me. His back is to me, but I could recognize that white hair anywhere. Eyepatch is standing between me and Danzo.

He's…he's…protecting me?

_What? ___

"Move out of my way one-eyed punk," Danzo growls. Eyepatch says nothing, and a fist hurls toward him. I'm horrified as the boy stands there and takes it, and I almost get whiplash as I watch his head spin from the impact.

When Eyepatch remains standing Danzo's anger intensifies, and he punches again and again and again. I gape with horror as hit after hit Eyepatch's body swivels from the impact. His head swivels left to right, his abdomen is pounded into, and his elbow makes a cracking noise that makes me want to puke.

Yet...yet he does nothing.

He is being beaten half to death, yet he does _nothing _.__

When Danzo finally stops punching he's out of breath, and his arms sag back to his sides. My eyes widen when Eyepatch lets out a chuckle. Deep and barely audible, but enough to send violent chills down my spine. "You think something like that could hurt me?"

Danzo's eyes widen. "You…" He says no more as he stares in shock. He seems to have come to a realization.

My horror of the situation is relieved when finally, so goddamn slow, the guards arrive. Danzo is pushed to the ground by a dozen bodies and his hands and feet are handcuffed. He growls and yells but I ignore it, for my eyes are solely on Eyepatch. I wish I could see his face. He's still standing tall, and it's almost like those beatings didn't even hurt him.

I…I am so confused.

Two guards stand by Eyepatch, but more as a preventive measure. Two others are coming in my direction and I stand before they can try to help me up.

I am so confused, my brain is so addled. He so willingly allowed Mado-san to die at Rabbit's hands. He was Rabbit's accomplice. He's a ghoul!

Almost mindlessly I brush passed Eyepatch and escape the cafeteria. I absently feel the two guards follow me, but I don't give a damn. I am let into my cell, the bars are shut behind me, I sit on my bed, and I stare at the wall.

What.

The.

Absolute.

_Fuck._


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They finally move in together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3!:D

Uneventful days pass. Danzo hasn't bothered with me, and Eyepatch was discharged from Quinx Penitentiary's clinic earlier today. Every time I see him my eyes zoom in on the white bandages and dark bruises. Injuries he endured to protect _me_.

And I don't know what to goddamn think about it.

It's around 3pm and the inmates are outside in the courtyard. I look for Walter and find him sitting alone on the bleachers. I join him, and he gives me a look like he'd been waiting for me. He grins. "Hello Amon. How are you?"

My stomach is still bruised from my altercation with Danzo, but it's nothing in comparison to what I've had on the job. It's also nothing in comparison to what Eyepatch received...

I sit beside him. "I'm fine thank you."

"What brings you here?"

I fiddle with my fingers. "I…I want to talk about the One-Eyed Ghoul."

Walter doesn't seem surprised, and we both watch Eyepatch on the other side of the fence. He is by himself, looking up at the sky. "I understand your fascination with him. He is a strange creature, isn't he?"

I nod. Soon my watching becomes staring, and I can't look away from him. I'd been thinking a lot about the cafeteria incident, yet I find little clarity in my thoughts. It's still so confusing. Did he protect me for selfish reasons? Does he think I owe him a favor now?

"He protected me." I clench my fists. "He's a ghoul, but he actually protected me." Walter is silent, and he too continues to watch Eyepatch. "I don't understand." I grit my teeth. "I don't _fucking_ understand."

Seconds pass and I know Walter is internally constructing his response. "I haven't seen nearly as many ghouls as you, Amon, and I haven't seen them kill as you have. However, I do believe your job as a ghoul investigator has inherently created a prejudice."

I finally turn my gaze away from Eyepatch, and I look to Walter. "Explain."

"As a ghoul investigator your job is to criminalize ghouls, to assume all are guilty." He returns my gaze. "Eventfully that's all you see."

He pauses, letting his words sit in before continuing. "Some ghouls," he nudges his head to One-Eyed. "Mean no harm. They eat through means other than killing. They eat only to survive."

I watch Eyepatch. I trust Walter (goddamn it I almost _agree_ with him), but I am still feeling so conflicted inside myself. I don't want to agree so easily. I counter, "Why would Eyepatch be in jail if he didn't kill someone? Eat someone?"

Walter chuckles, and he rubs his beard. I feel like I am missing an inside joke. "Amon, sometimes innocent people are put behind bars. Justice is not always fair." The way he says it makes me think he's talking about more than just Eyepatch.

But I reluctantly concede to that. Eyepatch could be here for a reason other than being a ruthless murderer. and that thought leads to other thoughts. What is Eyepatch here for, and who is missing him? He seems distant, but he also seems kind. He must have friends somewhere out there. Mail is delivered at Quinx Penitentiary every day, but from what I've seen he hasn't received even a single letter. Why?

I think on that, and what could have possibly happened to get One-Eyed imprisoned. Was it an unjust system that put him here? Or was he being a ghoul doing what a ghoul does best?

"If you want to know more about the One-Eyed Ghoul…" I turn to him, almost daring him to say what I don't want him to say. He took that dare with ease as he grinned at me. "You should ask him yourself."

I huff and roll my eyes. "Uh huh." I stand.

"Nice talkin' to you Amon."

"You too Walter."

With hands in my pockets I walk away. While I am curious about Eyepatch and grateful for what he did in the cafeteria, my fundamental view of him has not, and cannot, change. He is a ghoul, an abomination, and I will not associate myself with him. Ever.

XxXxXxX

I am pissed.

No. Pissed is an understatement.

I am _infuriated_.

I'm in my cell, minutes ago roused from sleep, and I shout through the bars at the guard. "What the fuck is the meaning of this? What are you _doing?"_

In the courtyard only days ago I had sworn to myself I would never associate with Eyepatch. That even if he is "good" he is still a ghoul, an abomination. Now I almost laugh at the bitter, bitter irony.

The guard is walking away, and he calls over his shoulder. "You had an empty slot, and we needed to fill it. Y'all can get well-acquainted." He waves a goodbye, leaving me absolutely fuming.

Because of the cafeteria incident with Danzo, the higher-ups at Quinx Penitentiary decided Eyepatch was a lot less hostile than they initially believed. Dangerous, but "safe" they said. My cellmate Besch is still hospitalized, and since then I've been living in my cell alone. And now…and now…

Apparently, because of One-Eyed's "saving act" he was deemed the most appropriate replacement.

Looking at the still fading bruises on Eyepatch's face just makes it fucking worse.

I don't turn around, because I know who— _what_ —is behind me. I grit my teeth in utter annoyance, utter resentment. How could the system do this? How could the system possibly think it's a good idea to put a ghoul in the same cell as a human?

I punch the bars. "Damn it!" I lean against them and wallow.

It's quiet behind me, and Eyepatch hasn't made even the slightest noise. A few minutes pass and I'm still leaning on the bars, refusing to acknowledge him.

He softly speaks behind me. "I'm sorry you have to room with me."

I grit my teeth, angry at how nice he's being. He's a ghoul, he's not supposed to be _nice_.

It's obviously a lie.

"You killed Mado." There's no forgiving it, there's no forgiving the ghoul. No matter how curious I am about him, no matter if he protected me in the cafeteria; it's impossible.

The ghoul remains silent. He probably doesn't even know who I'm talking about, and that just makes me angrier.

"I cannot defend what I did, but…" A pause. "My intention had been to protect my friend, not hurt yours."

That night, that horrible night, Eyepatch had blocked me. He distracted me from reaching Mado-san and the Rabbit ghoul. When I finally got to the scene Rabbit was gone and Mado-san was lying on the cold ground, dead.

But I remember…I remember that night, when Eyepatch and I were fighting…he had let me go, he hadn't hurt me. He said he didn't want to kill me.

He had also protected me in the cafeteria against Danzo…

Goddamn it I don't know what to _think!_

"Whatever," I finally sigh, but there's not as much hostility. Mado-san is dead, but Eyepatch didn't kill him. Rabbit did. I take a deep breath, exhale slowly, and reevaluate. Of all the ghouls I could've been paired with, it could've been worse. I'll just have to deal with this hopefully temporary arrangement. I turn and face One-Eyed. "Don't think just because you protected me in the cafeteria, and we're cellmates, that we're going to be friends."

Eyepatch is hard to read. I don't know what he's feeling, but he nods. "I understand."

There he goes with that polite shit. I almost want to scream all over again.

I walk passed him and climb onto the top bunk. "I'm on top, you're bottom." I freeze, realizing what I just said. It's quiet behind me, and there's an awkward tension.

In that moment the intercom blares, "All ghouls, line up for daily suppressants. All ghouls, line up for daily suppressants."

The door opens to my cell (which I'm not used to, because I'm used to living with a _human_ ), and I get under the sheet and turn on my side. Eyepatch steps outside to await his injection, and I can vaguely hear Crowe's mocking voice as he speaks to the ghoul. I can't tell what he's saying, but his voice gives me the impression it's...nothing good.

I don't care though, and I ignore Eyepatch just as he deserves. I somehow trust he won't bite into my neck while I'm defenseless, and I fall back asleep in mere minutes.

XxXxXxX

My nap lasts maybe an hour, and when I awaken I waste no time in dropping off the bed to begin my exercise routine. I almost scream when I see the white-haired Eyepatch sitting on the bottom bunk.

Fuck. I'd already forgotten. My cellmate is a goddamn ghoul.

I snort, ignore him, and fall to the ground, immediately beginning my 2000 push-ups. With each one I imagine my fists ramming through Eyepatch's throat. It gives me a surge of energy and I complete the exercise in record time. I move on to sit-ups.

A soft but strong voice comes from the bottom bunk. "Your work ethic is impressive."

I'm drenched in sweat, and I abruptly stop my exercises. Eyepatch, once again, is being nice. I can't stand it.

I look directly at him. "Yeah, well, not all of us are born with superhuman strength." That seems to hit a nerve in the ghoul, and I contain my smirk. I go back to my sit-ups, and the morning continues in silence.

XxXxXxX

Not a word has been spoken since I said that (slightly) rude comment, and I almost groan in relief when the intercom dings to announce lunch time. I drop from my top bunk, barely glancing at the bottom bunk to see Eyepatch sitting quietly against the wall.

"Time for lunch," I say, knowing he's not used to going immediately after the announcement. The ghoul side gets out after the human side, but rooming with me, he's prioritized as a human. Eyepatch stands and waits beside me for our bars to open.

Five cells at a time we are led single-file to the cafeteria. Guards travel with us, and beside Eyepatch is Crowe, the sadistic guard that harasses him more times than I can count.

"Whatcha up to ghoulie? Gonna finally talk to me today?" He deliberately fondles the baton attached to his waist, as if daring Eyepatch into silence. One of the things I can tell pisses Crowe off is when Eyepatch says nothing. For some reason he really wants a response out of the boy.

"I'm afraid I have nothing to speak of at the moment," Eyepatch responds. It wasn't impolite, but I can tell he was tense saying it. If anything, the answer angers Crowe more. I watch as he takes the baton out of its holster and dangles it meaningfully.

He slides his tongue across his yellow teeth. "Ya uh…ya think about that arrangement we talked about earlier?"

My ears twitch in curiosity, and I barely increase my pace to hear them better. I'm not familiar with any arrangement between them.

Eyepatch looks ahead and completely avoids Crowe's gaze. I can't identify the emotion in his voice (sorrow? anxious?) as he says, "Sorry, I'm not interested."

Not even two seconds after the words leave his mouth the baton is raised above Crowe's head and raining down onto Eyepatch's shoulder. One hit smacks against his jaw, and he lifts his arms to cover his face.

"What the hell are you doing?" I yell, but it's drowned out by the pounding of feet as the guards run to the altercation.

Eyepatch is on the ground, and only after a few more hits does Crowe finally stop. He's out of breath, and he explains, "Bastard was outta line, just had to put him back in his place. We're good here."

Lies. What a bunch of fucking _lies_ , but the guards believe it as though they had witnessed it themselves and there was no possibility of deceit. Ignorant fuckers. Crowe pockets the baton as he demands the nearest guard, "take him to the infirmary." The guard nods immediately, and Crowe walks away, sneering at Eyepatch before turning and leaving the hallway.

Eyepatch is holding his jaw and being careful with right arm, which took the brunt of the beatings. He stands, and a guard roughly grabs his bicep and pulls him forward. In moments they're out of sight, and I'm still staring dumbfounded.

Another guard yells, "Alright you bunch of felons, keep moving!" On cue, we continue single-file to the cafeteria. As I move forward I walk over the place on the floor where Eyepatch was sprawled over. It incites an anger in me I hadn't expected to feel, and why? is the question in the forefront of my head. Why would Crowe do that? What "arrangement" was there? What did Eyepatch say "no" to?

And...why the hell do I care?

XxXxXxX

As I enter the cafeteria I decide there's only one person I can go to to get more information. Walter is already seated at a corner table, and I don't even bother getting my food. I rush to him and plop onto the open seat beside him.

I skip introductions entirely. "Walter, you've been here for a while, haven't you?"

He's eating his clam chowder and eyeing me curiously. "Yeah. Probably nearing about nine years now." He blinks. "Why?"

"What do you know about Crowe?"

I see the curiosity spark in his eyes, and he puts his bowl down. "Why do you ask, Amon?"

"Just tell me."

He sighs. He gingerly wipes a napkin across his mouth then places it back in his lap. "Unfortunately, I don't have much to tell. As you've probably already learned, many of the guards here are corrupt. Twisted. Wrong." I think about the many transactions I've seen between inmate and guard. I think about the wads of cash sitting in a guard's pocket because they demanded that in exchange for a pack of cigarettes, a joint, or just a little extra time for a phone call. Just as easily, the guards can drop you in a heartbeat and beat you if you've done something they don't like. Yes, I have certainly gathered that much.

I nod, and it's his cue to continue. He looks like he's struggling to say his next words, and it worries me more than I want to admit. Just say it! Rid me of this unease.

Walter takes a deep breath. "There are many…speculations about Crowe. Of all the guards he's the worst. He's also the highest ranking in the batch of guards that interact directly with the prisoners." He's stalling, he's not saying what I want to know. I use my hands to motion for him to hurry the fuck up. Walter sees it and takes another breath. "It's been said that Crowe forces certain inmates to perform…sexual favors. He _rapes_ them."

For a second my mind blanks and everything I see is an illusion. I did not hear that right. I did not even fucking hear that right.

"I'm being serious Walter."

His face is dead serious. "So am I Amon."

I blink. I blink. I lean back in my chair and I blink.

Crowe…Crowe is like... _that?_

I'm stunned, and then when the realization finally dawns I'm furious. I can feel the blood pumping through my veins and my heart feels like it's going to burst out of my chest. What is the meaning of this? Crowe thinks he can just do as he pleases because he is able to get away with it? Eyepatch is a ghoul, but he's a good ghoul. And he looks so fucking young. How old is Eyepatch anyway? He deserves happiness doesn't he, don't we all? And with his eyes—so goddamn deep—it's clear he's endured pain. He's endured enough pain for a lifetime and here's fucking Crowe trying to—

"Amon. Amon. _Amon._ "

I don't hear my name being called until a hand grips my shoulder and shakes me. I turn to see Walter watching my worriedly. "It's alright lad, calm down. Just calm down."

I feel almost comatose. I can't wrap my head around it. All this time I've been both angry and curious with Eyepatch. Angry because he was indirectly involved with Mado-san's death. Curious because everything about him is just a goddamn mystery.

I stare at the table and I can feel Walter's gaze. He wants an explanation. He wants to know the reasoning behind my questions.

But…it feels wrong to share Eyepatch's pain with someone else. He wouldn't want other people knowing about this. I need to keep it my secret and mine alone.

I barely mumble a "thanks" to Walter before I stumble out of the chair and across the cafeteria. Walter calls out to me but I ignore it, in fact I barely hear it. I request a guard accompany me to the restroom, and I make it to the toilet just in time for the vomit to land into the porcelain bowl.

XxXxXxX

I can stomach very little food at lunch, and when I get back to my cell Eyepatch is already on his bottom bunk, reading a thick hardback book. His jaw is bruised and a majority of his right arm is bandaged.

I race into the cell and the bars close behind me. I ask, "Hey. What the hell was that all about with Crowe?"

He's probably surprised at my eagerness, my sudden curiosity when before I was nothing but standoffish. But I'm desperate for Walter to be wrong, fucking desperate to know that Crowe isn't...that Crowe doesn't want...

Denial…what a bitch.

I can see the mask fall over Eyepatch's face, and I know I won't get a truthful answer. "I mistreated him earlier. He was just rightfully punishing me for it." He looks up from his book to give me a small smile. "I'm alright."

"You don't look alright," I counter quickly. He shrugs, and I gesture to his arm, "Is anything broken?"

"Displaced supracondylar humerus fracture." I stare at him wide-eyed and utterly uncomprehending. He lifts his arm and points to his elbow, which is bandaged. "It's a fracture above the epicondyles, near the elbow."

I'm red-faced. "That sounds serious!"

Eyepatch shakes his head. "It can be due to resulting nerve damage. However, this is a clean break and didn't fracture along any nerves, so I won't have a problem."

I'm angry that he's so calm about this. "How do you know for sure?"

His answer feels ominous as he shrugs and goes back to reading his book. "I have broken many bones in my life, and this is one of them." The answer sends a chill down my spine.

He seems to have closed off, and he continues reading the book that I now realize is titled in a language that I don't know. This ghoul knows a language besides Japanese? And that book is thick as hell.

I mentally shrug and drop to the floor. I have to trust Eyepatch is right, because I sure as hell know nothing about that.

I start my fast-paced push-ups. Sometimes I perform more than my daily routine due to stress or boredom. Right now, I can definitely say that I'm stressed. I hit 1000, then count backwards from 1000 back to 1. By the time I'm done I'm drenched in sweat and breathing heavily.

I wipe my palm across my forehead, and I can feel Eyepatch's gaze. "How can you do them so quickly?" He seems in awe, and I oddly like the attention he's giving me.

I chuckle lightly and stand. "I do them every day. Your body gets used to it after a while." I had left my uniform on as I exercised, which I'm now regretting because it's sweaty and uncomfortable. I unzip it at the front collar and slip it off. Underneath is my white undershirt and boxers, and I wad up my uniform and toss it into a corner of the cell.

Eyepatch backs up an inch, leaning further against the wall. I raise an eyebrow but ignore it.

The book is still open and I notice he's quite far into the book, almost finished really. I point to the book in his hands, "What language is that?"

He follows my finger. "English. It's called The Kite Runner."

I raise an eyebrow. "Kite Runner? So…are people just flying kites?" Seems like a boring book.

The small ghoul gives a mysterious, sad smile, and he hugs the book a bit closer to his body. "It's a book about guilt and redemption. It's an important book to me." The look on his face…I'm not much of a reader, but I suddenly want to read that book more than ever.

"I see…" I say, and it conceals much of the curiosity I feel. I hope Eyepatch shares more about the book. Or maybe lets me borrow it…

I notice Eyepatch is bending the injured arm quite a bit. Wasn't the fracture near the elbow, where the arm bends?

I take a step closer and hesitantly touch the right arm. "Eyepatch, shouldn't you be more careful with this arm? It needs to heal." The unspoken _you heal like a human now_ is clear.

He straightens the arm. "Oh right. Oops."

"Doesn't it hurt?"

"Maybe a little."

I'm astonished. "A little?"

He shrugs lightly, and he has that mysterious expression again. "I have a high pain tolerance."

We say nothing more after that, and I climb onto my top bunk, a thousand questions rushing through my head. The rest of the day passes uneventfully, and when nighttime comes I'm exhausted and excited for sleep. Both Eyepatch and I are in our respective beds and I mutter, "Night." I often did so when Besch was my cellmate as well.

If Eyepatch responded I didn't hear it, because moments later I'd fallen into blissful unconsciousness.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You'll notice a POV change in this chapter, wanted to try it out.:) I also made several last-minute changes, so I apologize for any errors.
> 
> Chapter warning: angst.
> 
> Enjoy!!!

I wake up and it's still lights out. I hear rustling of material beneath me, and for a second I'm utterly confused. What's beneath me? Why is someone making so much noise?

Then I remember where I am and who's in the bottom bunk. Curiosity gets the better of me, and I lean over the edge of my bed. One-Eyed is tossing and turning, his eyes squeezed tight and hands fisted in the sheet. He's obviously still sleeping but engulfed in a nightmare. Even in the dark I can see how pained he looks.

I think about waking him up. He's clearly distressed and that would only be the right thing to do. I start to climb out of the bed when I stop in my tracks. Eyepatch is a ghoul. He's been interesting, surprisingly kind, but he's still not of my species. I have no obligation to help him, right? He's a ghoul, I _shouldn't_ help him.

With a heavy heart I roll back into my position on the bed and try to fall back asleep. The rustling doesn't cease, and soon he starts to whimper. I'm staring at the wall in front of me, wondering why the hell I'm letting this happen. What kind of horrible person am I?

"N-No, please...d-don't."

I completely stop breathing. Eyepatch's voice is hurt and broken in a way I have never, _ever_ heard before.

With barely enough time to inhale I heave the sheet off my body, jump off the top bunk, and land beside One-Eyed. I prod his shoulder. "Eyepatch, wake up." I prod harder. "You're having a bad dream wake up."

I look closer and realize there are tear tracks on his cheeks.

This dream…this dream made Eyepatch cry?

I'd been annoyed, conflicted to help him. But suddenly I'm taking One-Eyed's small body into my arms and lifting him into the air. "Wake up. Wake up wake up _wake up!"_ Previously indifferent, I am now desperate to wake him up.

Eyepatch gasps awake, and his eyes are wide and frightened. He frantically turns his head left and right, looking for something I know isn't there.

Soon he's calming down, and I slowly bring my arms back to chest level. His uniform (why does he sleep in his uniform? I'm just in my tank and boxers) is drenched with sweat and he looks exhausted. He's still breathing heavily and I can't bring myself to put him back on the bed. His head is resting on my shoulder, and somehow I don't mind.

I had honestly expected the ghoul's body to be hard and cold. But instead it's...surprisingly soft. Warm. Fragile.

I carefully pull him into my body, and I'm unsure what to do. He is gazing distantly at the wall in front of him, and he makes no indication that he acknowledges my presence. Maybe he just needs time. Maybe his nightmares are scary but fade after a few minutes.

I don't know how long I stood there and stared at his face. The tear streaks are still there but he has long stopped crying. His white, white hair tickles my neck, and his eyes are vacant of emotion. His injured arm is tucked against my chest but he makes no indication that I'm hurting him.

His lips tremble slightly, and I'm now waiting with baited breath for him to speak.

His voice is low and shaky. "I'm tired of being afraid." He pauses, and I'm surprised when his gaze turns to me. His eyes are so imploring, so desperate. "How can I be stronger?"

Moments pass, and I'm thrown into a vortex of uncertainty. I don't know what to say, or what to do. I finally respond softly, "I don't know." I feel so small. I'm horrible, I'm the worst. He just had a horrible nightmare, yet I have no idea how to help him or make him feel better. "I don't know," I repeat. As if that fucking makes it better.

Based on Eyepatch's expression, it doesn't.

I just continue to silently hold him, each second feeling more and more worthless.

XxXxXxX

I don't know how I fell asleep, but when I wake up I'm disoriented and confused. Half of my body is so damn warm. Why? Do I have a fever? Am I getting sick? Though...even if the heat is due to illness I can't help but bask in it. I might be crazy, but this warmth feels crazy good.

Minutes pass, I don't know how many, but soon I'm orienting back to reality. I open my eyes, and then I scream out of pure shock.

I jump out of the bed as though the sheets are engulfed in flames. My feet hit the floor, my back hits the wall, and I'm taking in deep breaths of oxygen like my life depends on it.

I look at the bottom bunk, where Eyepatch sleeps, and see the indented sheets that are right next to his body. I…I had been sleeping with him. I had been sleeping with a _ghoul._

Eyepatch is alarmed by my actions but not surprised, which interests me. He says nothing, and he sits up slowly as though not to startle me, like I'm a damn newborn calf.

I ask, "Why the hell was I in your bed?"

A moment passes. "You were comforting me last night. We fell asleep on my bed. Nothing happened." _I didn't try to hurt you_ I heard him say.

My head clears and my memory returns. Last night's events come back to me, and I remember how pained and hurt Eyepatch had been. I look at his face closely now, searching for something that is no longer there. His expression is calm and stoic, and it's clear he's put his mask back in place.

Goddamn I overreacted. He probably feels embarrassed, which I never wanted to happen. But what could he have been dreaming about to make him react like that?

"It's okay," I reply honestly, before I even realize it's the truth. If nothing else this situation helped me trust him more. He had every opportunity to eat me last night, and he didn't. "What's your name, Eyepatch?" He blinks and tilts his head to the side, watching me. I feel my cheeks barely tint. "You know, I'm just real tired of calling you Eyepatch."

He nods, and smiles a small smile. "My name is Kaneki Ken. And you, investigator?"

Ah, so all this time he hasn't known mine either. "Amon," I say simply. I don't want to tell him my full name.

He notices but says nothing. "Nice to meet you Amon."

"Likewise." Without another word I drop to the ground and begin my push-ups, the first part of my exercise routine. I don't know what time it is but it feels earlier than usual, and it's a great start to my morning.

Though, to be honest I feel oddly rested. I wonder why.

I ignore as Eyepatch _(Kaneki)_ sits on his bed, merely watching me.

And today, officially introducing ourselves to each other? That seems to be the beginning of an interesting relationship.

XxXxXxX

We've now been cellmates for a week, and I have to admit every day has been interesting and, I can almost say, _enjoyable._ I reluctantly admit that I like Kaneki as a cellmate more than Besch. Besch was quiet, kind, but he didn't hold my attention. Kaneki is intriguing, an enigma, and I oddly want to learn more about him. Not about his weaknesses, or how I can eliminate him as my enemy. I want to know more about him. Kaneki Ken the ghoul.

He has nightmares every night, but every morning he awakes as though nothing happened. Sometimes he talks in his sleep, his voice desperate, and broken in a way I never thought Kaneki could sound. He calls out "no," "please," "stop," and I don't know how much more my heart can take. I asked about them once, and he just kindly smiled and said nothing. I felt I had crossed a boundary, and I didn't ask again.

At the moment I am reading a letter I got from Shinohara. Every day between 8-9:30am mail is delivered to us by the guards (though I hear sometimes they don't follow that schedule. These guards...just do as they please). There are some inmates, like Kaneki, who never receive mail. It makes me wonder who knows he's here. I get mail every week, mainly from Shinohara or Akira updating me on ghouls and the CCG. They also once informed me the ghoul "Eyepatch" is missing. I discreetly chose not to respond to that.

The letter I'm reading now is just a friendly letter from Shinohara about his day and his colleague Juuzou. Despite my imprisonment I lost very few friends, and Shinohara has advocated my innocence since Day 1.

I smile, happy that my circle of friends still believe in me.

The intercom blares around the room, and I look up. A voice speaks, "All ghouls, line up for daily suppressants. All ghouls, line up for daily suppressants."

I sigh lightly, putting the letter down. Ever since I've gotten to know Kaneki, little by little, I have begun to hate these injections. Because I know they hurt, and hasn't Kaneki been through enough pain? I mean _really?_

The bars slide open for all the cells that have ghouls, and I watch with dread as Kaneki steps right outside the door to wait for his injection. I always refused to watch Kaneki get injected, but today I'm feeling curious. During these there are so many ghouls that whimper and cry, but I've never heard Kaneki react at all. I feel morbid fascination by it.

He steps outside the cell, and the guard is going cell-by-cell and injecting into each ghoul's right eyeball. I notice the firearm at the guard's hip is a gun, a regular gun. No quinque, no Q bullets.

As I've said before…complacent.

Eventfully the guard reaches Kaneki, wheeling his cart of RC suppression fluid with him. The guard pulls out 2 syringes, and I gawk in horror. At first I think it's a mistake. Why would he get 2 when the rest of the ghouls get 1?

I would have voiced my concerns if Kaneki had given even the slightest indication that this is abnormal. As it stands, though, it's like…it's like he is _expecting_ 2\. Never in my career have I had to give 2 injections to a ghoul.

Eyepatch handles the injections better than any ghoul I've ever seen. Did it not even hurt him? He mentioned having a high pain tolerance, and goddamn if he wasn't joking about that.

Kaneki rubs his eyes a bit but he otherwise is unaffected. He walks back into the cell, the bars close behind him. Curiosity gets the better of me as I ask, "What was that about?"

He looks up at me. I am on my top bunk and looking down at him with wide eyes. "Amon...I am a ghoul." The way he says it is sad, tragic. You'd think after all the years he's been a ghoul he would've come to terms with it.

"I know that but why'd you get _two?"_

There's a long pause. He avoids my gaze. "That's…kind of a long story."

"We've got nothing but time."

Kaneki makes a face, and he clearly doesn't like my answer. "My body is used to the injections and has grown desensitized. So for the injection to have the desired effect I need 2."

The response is cryptic, and it has created a hundred more questions than it has answered.

Kaneki rubs at his eyes again, and he sighs. I know why. With any RC suppressant comes a variety of potential adverse effects. He could be experiencing itchiness, diminished eyesight, blurred vision, or a thousand other things. Whatever it is, hopefully it fades soon.

Kaneki crawls back into his bed. "I need to rest," and I can tell he's exhausted. As he closes his eyes I notice the dark circles under them. With his nightmares I can't even imagine how sleep-deprived he must be.

I stare at him for longer than I should, then I growl and punch the wall when I realize what a fucking creep I'm being.

XxXxXxX

Later that day I'm eating in the cafeteria with Walter and some human inmates. I had been tempted to sit beside Eyepatch, and honestly I kind of wanted to. Not because I _like_ him or anything, but just because...just because...

I don't know. I don't know why I wanted to sit beside him.

But fate had different ideas and suddenly I'm here, with Walter, an incredibly freckled teen named Terry, a buff woman named Angelica, and two other inmates. Kaneki is sitting at a table not too far from mine though, and I can't help but glance at him every now and again.

In this entire cafeteria he sticks out more than anyone else. Despite his small, incredibly small stature, his white hair and exuding calmness screams look at me. It's almost astonishing how much I notice him. Even engulfed in a sea of inmates wearing the same color he is easy for me to spot. His hair helps me find him too. It's just so, so _white._ I wonder how it feels. Maybe it feels like snow.

I suddenly have the tingling feeling someone's looking at me, and I search for the source. Across the table Walter is watching me with a grin. He glances at Kaneki, then back to me.

He asks, "How are you and your cellmate getting along?"

I huff in annoyance and mutter, "Could be better." I ponder a few moments, tinkering with a thought. "I have a question Walter."

"Hm?"

I nod my head toward Kaneki. "Why does he get two injections?" I scrunch my eyebrows. "Double dosing is...unheard of."

Walter nods, and everyone at our table seems to have tuned in to our conversation. "I've talked to some people about that and nobody seems to know for sure. Many believe he was in some way tortured, and the torture involved numerous injections. Supposedly he's almost immune to them now." Walter turns to look at Kaneki, then turns back to me. I don't know what expression is on my face, but based on the pitying look Walter is giving me it must not be too good.

Kaneki was tortured…no, Kaneki was possibly tortured. There's no evidence. Please, let there be no evidence. It's just a rumor, it's just a rumor.

Though...that theory would make a painful amount of sense. To torture a ghoul you have to inject them with RC suppressants. He would become more like a human, and heal like a human. All the pain inflicted would remain so much longer.

I run a hand through my hair and grip at the roots. I almost pull chunks out of my head. I have to find out, I need to find out, how can I find out? "Was he tortured...was he really tortured...?" I'm half asking the question, half muttering to myself. I feel like I'm going insane.

The freckled kid Terry beside me joins the conversation. His voice is nasally and obnoxious, but I concentrate on every word like it's cool water in a desert. "I know a guy who collects information like this all the time. He's got a lead that that ghoul was tortured by another ghoul."

My eyes widen exponentially, both in shock and horror. W-What…? I exclaim loudly, "Kaneki was tortured by a _ghoul?"_

I was going to say more, but there's a voice behind me that stops me in my tracks.

"Amon…please don't talk about me so freely."

My eyes bug and I frantically spin around to see Kaneki standing beside me. Fuck. _Fuck._ How much did he hear?

I don't even know what to say. Before I open my mouth he politely nods to the table then walks away, back to the cells.

I slowly turn back to face the table, exasperated and angry at myself.

Freckled Terry murmurs, "Oops..."

I roll my eyes and I want to scream. Yeah, fucking oops!

Kaneki POV

My life is filled with adversities. Some are minor, surmountable. Some are soul-crushing and push me into the ground, suffocating me.

This adversity is minor, but it also hurts. Amon was talking about me, curious about me. Trying to learn my secrets.

I lie on my back on the bed. My secrets are my own, and I don't want anyone knowing them. If Amon found out he would be disgusted.

My character differs now from what it once was. I used to be innocent, I used to love life. I used to look at the sky and think of how beautiful it was. Now I look toward the sky and it's crushing. All I want is to push at the clouds and get them off of me. They are so confining.

Life is now a vice that threatens to swallow me whole, and I have no way to escape its grasp.

I crack a knuckle and continue staring at the bottom of the top bunk mattress. I'm stronger now though. I feel no pain, I feel little fear. I am fine. I am shattered, but I will live. And if I do not live, then I will die.

Metal clangs against steel and I know it is the guard. The guard that will not leave me alone. The guard that wants to hurt me in ways I have already been hurt before.

"Hey ghoulie. Got some free time?" I do not need to look at him to know he wields a baton as well as a fiendish, perverted grin. I am a ghoul, but he is more of a monster than I could ever be _(Do you really believe that?_ an all-too familiar woman whispers in my ear).

I crack a knuckle. "Please go away."

"Oh come on now ghoulie, don't be a spoil sport. I just wanna have some fun."

"If you don't go away I will hurt you."

He chuckles, and I know it's out of mockery. Is it my hair, my size, my age? What is it about me that seems harmless? Do I actually look innocent, or do people only find what they're looking for?

Crowe calls out loudly, "Cell 22, open!"

The bars to my cage open and he walks inside. I scramble off the bed, letting the sheet fall to the ground as I hug the opposite wall. I am worried. I do not fear this man, but I fear what I will do to him if he attempts what I believe he will attempt.

Crowe has a hand on his zipper and zips it down. His sordid tongue licks his lips and slides along his yellow teeth.

_KANEKKIIII. DON'T YOU LIKE THIS? I KNOW YOU LIKE THIS._

Crowe is still across the room but already I feel the oppressive hands. My heart beats against my chest cavity and I can feel my breath quickening. I press harder against the wall. "Go away, go away…"

_I LOVE DRIVING INTO YOU KANEKI. YOU'RE SO WARM INSIDE, SO SOFFTTT. I WANT TO FUCK AND KILL YOU OVER AND OVER AND OVER KANEKKIIII._

My knees are shaking and my control over my own mind seems nonexistent. I thought I was strong, I thought I was fearless...what a joke.

RC suppressant is running through my veins and I feel more human than I have in my life. With no strength in my body I slide to the floor. My hands are shaking and I squeeze my eyes shut. "I-I don't want it, I don't want it. Please. P-Please no more."

I hear him walking closer, and I listen as he pulls down his pants. Rize's words taunt me. _You're just a whore Kaneki. This is what you were born to do. Just like with Yamori._

_KANEEKKIIIII I'M BACCKKKK. CAN I FUCK YOU, CAN I PLEASE FUCK YOU? I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU AND MAKE YOU BLEED._

I'm hyperventilating, I'm dead. I hear Crowe walking closer, closer. Suddenly I hear an explosion of noise and a loud, angry scream. _God, please...did Jason bring Kei-san and Kouto-san to watch?_

I can feel my body rocking. _1000, 993, 986, 979..._

More loud noises. Thuds against the wall, padding of numerous pairs of feet, so many, too many. How many people are here to watch me bleed?

_972, 965..._

"—ou okay?—"

The origin of the voice is close to me, too close. A large hand is shaking my shoulder, and I cringe in utter terror.

"—aneki. Kaneki!"

Two hands are shaking me vigorously now, almost rhythmically rocking me back and forth. With momentum pushing me forward I finally open my eyes.

With an abruptness that leaves me breathless I jolt back to reality. I blink and reorient myself. A large man is before me, but it is not Jason, and it is not Crowe. My bottom lip trembles as I realize...it is Amon.

He sees that's I'm back. He stops rocking me, but his hands don't leave my shoulders. His blue eyes are fearful, and he looks so scared for me.

"—Neki?"

My mind still feels hazy and glazed. "What…?"

"Are you okay Kaneki?" His sharp eyebrows appear angry. His entire expression is intense. "Did I get here in time? Did he hurt you?"

Who?...Jason?

I mentally shake my head. No...no, it wasn't Jason. It was Crowe, a guard. A human...

I think back on the encounter. Did he really hurt me? All he did was appear at my cell then walk into my cell. Crowe didn't touch me. Crowe did absolutely nothing.

I hang my head in shame. I…I am a coward.

"No," I barely mutter. "He did not hurt me." He only hurt my pride.

The grind of Amon's teeth is audible. "That bastard..." His voice is trembling violently. "He'd taken off his fucking pants...he'd...he'd..." My cheeks burn in shame and I dip my head further. Suddenly there's a large crash near my head, and I spin to see Amon's fist ingrained into the cell's wall. His eyes are fiery with a wrath I've never seen. "That mother _fucker!"_

Amon is angry. Amon is angry for _my_ sake.

Oddly, it makes me feel less alone.

I can see his hand is bleeding. I gently take the hand and place it against my chest. I look directly into his eyes. "Amon."

He seems to understand. He takes deep breaths, inhaling and exhaling until he's finally calmed down. "I'm okay, I'm okay." He looks to me again. "Can you stand?" I nod, yet suddenly I'm swooped into strong arms. Amon is so tall it feels like I'm on top of a mountain.

I look around to see Crowe is long gone, and I wonder how Amon sent him away. I had heard numerous footsteps. Did other guards come? How did I become so catatonic I didn't even see what was in front of me?

Amon carries me in protective arms with no regard for his injured hand, and he places me down on my bed. I'm scared. It's still a few more hours until "light's out," and I don't want to sleep. If I sleep I know what will greet me in the forsaken hell that is my mind.

He remains kneeling on the floor beside my bed, his elbows resting on the mattress. "You okay?" he asks again, softer, with less venom.

"I am fine. Thank you." Thankfully I have my bearings back now, and my moment of cowardice has dissipated.

"I don't believe you," he states blandly.

"That is fine. Where is Crowe?"

The mere name makes Amon's eyes glint with rage. "Who fucking cares. He's not _here_ , so anywhere is fine." He takes a deep breath and runs long fingers through his hair. He suddenly sighs with relief. "I'm just glad I got here in time."

My eyes dull. What would be happening right now if Amon had not come when he had? What state of mind would I be in right now?

A chill runs down my spine.

"T-Thank you, Amon." I can feel liquid sting my eyes, and I quickly wipe them away. Amon literally saved my sanity. There's no way I could ever repay him.

His voice is filled with emotion and his lips tremble. "You are so damn welcome."

My heart swells. I'm not the best with physical contact, but suddenly I'm desperate for a warm body. I grip Amon's uniform and gently pull him toward me. Gently so that he has the option to resist…

After all, I am a ghoul...

With no hesitation Amon climbs onto the bed and brings me into his arms. I almost cry with happiness that I'm not alone. Touka, Hide, Yomo…how many people have I pushed away?

For an undefinable amount of time we remain on the bed. Minutes, hours, I don't know. All I know is the musky, masculine scent of Amon, his warm, encompassing body, and the soft breaths I can feel tickling my hair. I feel safe. I feel _safe._

We've been quiet for so long I'm surprised when I hear Amon's voice. "Listen, Kaneki…I'm sorry about before, in the cafeteria. I was just curious about you, and—"

"It is alright. I understand." At dinner he had tried to learn my secrets, how I was...tortured.

But he is apologizing for something that was long forgiven. I understand people are curious. My white hair, black nails, flat affect. I understand I'm hard to get along with, and maybe my quiet nature makes me mysterious. I don't know.

Amon is petting my hair, taking strands between his fingers. He scratches my scalp and I purr in contentment. It feels good, I feel cherished.

"Why…Why is your hair white now?" His voice was soft, but he quickly stumbles an excuse. "I uh, I'm just curious. It's nothing important. I just feel like if you'd dyed it there would still be black roots ya know? Ha ha…"

His awkwardness is endearing, and I barely smile. The darkness behind the answer seems to soften because of his lack of grace. The question does not pain me like I thought it would.

I decide to answer honestly. "It was stress." I can feel Amon's confused gaze, and his fingers pause in my hair. "Marie Antionette Syndrome. My hair turned white from stress."

There's a long pause. "…Will it go back to normal?"

I smile a sad smile. "I don't know." Honestly, I don't want it to. Black signified innocence, ignorance. Now I am neither, and I never will be.

His large hand continues weaving through my hair. I wonder if he dislikes my white hair. "Does it look weird?" For the first time I'm actually worried what someone thinks of my appearance. Why do I care?

"No," he says. "I like it. It suits you." He seems to genuinely mean it.

I barely duck my face to hide my smile. I don't know why his response makes me happy, but I do know I would have been troubled if he didn't.

His fingers continue playing with my hair and I can feel myself drifting. When I fall asleep will Jason be there waiting for me? Will my torture begin, will my pain repeat itself?

I'm scared to fall asleep, but I don't think I can stop it. Please, just please…don't let him hurt me again.

"Goodnight Kaneki." Amon's voice is earnest and gentle, and I finally let go. I welcome oblivion.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm a bit worried I'm dragging this out. I hope nobody's getting too bored.:[ Nearing the end though!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone's curious, this is a link to a beautiful Amoneki picture that inspired one of my scenes.
> 
> http://66.media.tumblr.com/47208d1e0b3d1cef7e7c1249dfc37c43/tumblr_inline_nibe0panjz1rsn1ig.jpg

Addictions can be life-altering. Smoking, cocaine, alcohol. Some addictions can ruin your life. Some, though, I'd like to think don't. In moderation, some addictions are absolutely fine.

Example? Kaneki's hair.

He fell asleep moments ago, but still I'm running my fingers through his hair. Each strand is soft, silky, and I'm worried my craving won't be satisfied until I have touched each and every strand. Will that even be enough? God I'm lame.

My thoughts darken. His hair is beautiful, but I also know I'm using this as an anchor. To help me keep my mind off Crowe and his sordid, disgusting, repugnant actions that make me want to slit his throat.

I can't believe he...he...

I instead steer my thoughts to Kaneki. How he was pressed against the wall with eyes wide like a child's. God…his gaze was so broken. Not even after his most horrible nightmares has he ever looked that pained, that vulnerable. When I'd seen him I didn't even stop to think, I just attacked the first and most potent threat Kaneki was faced with.

I close my eyes. Not in all my training as a ghoul investigator, saving people, protecting children, have I ever felt such a protective instinct surge through me like it did tonight. Every nerve ending in my body was screaming to _HELP HIM_. And if I had gotten there just a moment later…just a barely little bit…

Fuck, no…stop thinking about this, stop thinking about this. I squeeze Kaneki's body tighter to my own, and I focus on his white hair. I admire his soft facial features, and I look for signs of an impending nightmare. Right now he looks so…at peace. I smile. I'm so fucking glad.

It's not even light's out yet and I can feel myself getting drowsy. I'm so tired, I'm so comfortable. I sigh in contentment before falling into unconsciousness.

XxXxXxX

"You saved me."

Upon awakening that was the first thing I heard. Kaneki's voice rings in my ears, and I open my eyes to see him staring at the wall. He's lying beside me with one arm draped over my stomach.

"And I'd do it again." But god I hope it never comes to that. If it happened again I have a feeling I would do something horrible.

I see Kaneki squeeze his eyes tightly. "I feel like such a fool..." It seems like he's talking more to himself than to me.

I poke his cheek hard. "Don't." He opens his eyes and looks at me. "Don't do that. Don't you dare." I will scream if he blames himself for this. If he thinks he's weak because of this.

He nods, a sad smile on his features. "You're right. Sorry."

"Damn straight."

His smile becomes more genuine at that. His gaze travels downward and he takes my hand in his. He observes the appendage. "You have dried blood on your hand. You should go to the clinic."

I look at my hand, confused. That was the hand I punched the wall with; I had completely forgotten about that. "It barely hurts. I'm fine."

"Looking at your blood makes me want to eat you."

I blink. It takes a second to sink in. Oh... _OH_...

Kaneki's muffled laugh registers in my ears and for a second I'm confused. Then I realize he was fucking with me. Kaneki...made a _joke_. I take the pillow we're sharing and hit him with it.

His laughter is no longer muffled. It's the first time I've ever heard it.

It's beautiful.

After Crowe, after everything, today marks the day I'll never forget. The day everything changed for the better.

XxXxXxX

Kaneki and I's friendship seems to fall into place like simple pieces of a puzzle. Weeks pass. I don't know the exact date, but I'd say Kaneki and I have been cellmates for about 2 months now. In those 2 months we have far surpassed strangers and long passed acquaintances. Kaneki is probably the closest friend I have.

It's weird for me to think of him as a friend though because…it just feels… _different_. It doesn't feel like the relationship I have with Akira or Shinohara or anyone else. It feels unique, special. He's a friend, but he's something else as well. I don't get it.

Personal space doesn't exist. Not out of perversion (though I'd be lying if I said I haven't woken up with a boner), but because of our closeness and my inexplicable ability to keep Kaneki's nightmares at bay, Kaneki and I sleep together. The night of… _Crowe,_ we discovered that Kaneki can sleep nightmare-free if I'm by his side. It's a fucking blessing it works and I won't even think of challenging it.

Neither of us are sleeping now. It's early morning and I just finished my morning exercises. I'm laying on my back on the top bunk bed. Kaneki is laying on top of me, his nose and cheek resting lightly against a peck. Everywhere he's touching my body is warm.

He states matter-of-factly. "You're sweaty."

I huff. "I can't help it. Most people sweat after they exercise, Neki."

"You stink, too."

I swat Kaneki on the head and he muffles a laugh against my chest. I can't even be angry at him when he makes cute noises like that.

Silence follows and we rest comfortably. I almost think Kaneki has fallen back asleep, until at one point he utters the word, "Neki..."

He says the word softly, and I can't tell if it was meant as a question.

I ask, "What?"

Kaneki has the smallest of smiles on his face. "For weeks now…you've called me Neki. I just thought it was interesting."

I had noticed that too, and it's something that surprises me about myself. I'm typically very professional, don't get close to anybody, and only there to finish the job. But Kaneki makes me weird, different. Over time I inadvertently gave him a nickname, "Neki."

I scratch his scalp, and grin when he purrs lightly. "It works for you. You look like a Neki."

He lifts his head up and raises an eyebrow. "What does it mean to look like a Neki?"

I spread my palm wide and direct it at his face. "This. This is a Neki." Hair the color of snow, deep brown eyes, button nose, plump lips with the slightest hint of glisten...that is a Neki.

Annddd that train of thought needs to stop _right_ now. Fuck. Wow.

Kaneki just rolls his eyes and I put my hand back at my side. Thank god he can't read my thoughts. How embarrassing of me to think that.

"I hope they schedule your shower for morning shift."

Damn him again on my stench. I threaten, "Neki, I will hurt you!"

I can tell he's stifling a smile. "You smell like a banana peel that's been rotting in a garbage dumpster."

A war ensues and we're battling for dominance. We fall off the bed and hit the floor with a thud, but that doesn't stop us.

"You smell like food that was digested then thrown up." The verbal barrage doesn't stop, and we fight until we're both exhausted, covered in sweat, and out of breath.

My chest is heaving up and down as I work to catch my breath. "Now…now we're both sweaty and stinky."

Kaneki's head is laying on my stomach. He doesn't even do the sniff test. "Yes indeed."

I smile.

XxXxXxX

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. About Kaneki, and his past, his secrets. There's still so much left unspoken, there's still so much I don't know.

I'm curious, more curious than I've ever been about anyone, but I also don't want to pester him about it. I want him to tell me on his own time, in his own way. I want him to trust me and care about me enough to want to tell me.

It's a horrible conundrum and I can't get it out of my head.

Something falls onto my shoulder, and I come back to reality. We're sitting side-by-side against the wall of our cell, and I watch from my periphery as his knees curl up to his chest, with his head on my shoulder. His entire body is wrapped like a ball. He's so goddamn small.

I let myself be humored by him. "How tall are you Neki?"

His tone is deadpanned. "Are you intending to make fun of me Amon?"

I choke on a laugh. "Not make fun. Just, you know, get a good laugh out of it."

He swats me and I yelp. "That hurt! Just tell me."

A long pause. "5'7.""

I snicker and immediately an elbow finds my gut. I cough and laugh at the same time, and I can feel Kaneki's heated evil stare.

I compose myself. "Sorry, sorry. It's just cute. You're so petite." I howl when my calf is kicked by a Kaneki foot. "Ow okay okay I'm done." I try to be serious but I'm working too hard to stifle a laugh.

I can tell I'm about to get a lecture and the desire to laugh increases. He ticks off information on his fingers. "My height is not directly proportional to anything of importance. Just because I'm short doesn't mean I'm not dangerous. There are many things a short person can do that a tall perso—"

The intercom blares. "All ghouls, line up for daily suppressants. All ghouls, line up for daily suppressants."

Heavy air hangs between us, and all of my previous amusement evaporates in an instant. I'm fucking tired of Kaneki getting injections every day. I'm fucking tired of it.

The bars to our cell open and Kaneki stays where he is a moment, as if preparing himself. I barely whisper "I'm sorry," and it's the truth.

"Do not apologize," he says, and he climbs off the bed to wait outside. A guard (not Crowe. Never again) injects him, and when he comes back he's rubbing both his eyes. He takes his seat beside me.

I wince in sympathy. "Does it hurt?"

He shakes his head. "I guess it's more just...discomfort." I have a feeling it's more than that but I don't argue. He says, "Lay down," and his arm wraps around my torso. He gently drags me down beside him on the bed. "I'm gonna sleep, okay?" He's rubbing his eyes with the other hand, and I just feel so damn bad for him. He doesn't deserve this.

I pet his white hair. "Yeah. Sleep Neki."

XxXxXxX

The rest of that day passes by uneventfully, and we go to sleep in my bed. More often than not Kaneki wakes up before me, and when I wake early the next morning I see he's awake and lightly drawing his fingers along my arm. The black nails are a stark contrast to his pale skin, and I haven't mustered up the will to ask him about them.

"Hey," I say sleepily.

He smiles lightly. "Hey."

Unlike the first time I'm not freaked out at all to have him, a ghoul, wake up beside me (that feels like so long ago). I can't even believe I previously detested that.

"Did you sleep well?" he asked.

I nod. "Yeah. You?" I'm desperate for him to say yes. He hasn't had a nightmare with me yet, but every day I wake up worried the fairy dust has faded away and he'll awake in terror.

He nods. "I slept quite well. Thanks."

I grin, and I ruffle his hair with my palm. He swats me away, muttering "ass."

I'm sleepy and comfortable, but I can't lay in bed forever. "Alright Neki, time for me to get up." I sit up, pick him up like a ragdoll, and place him on the bed beside me. I jump off the bed and drop to the floor to begin my daily exercises.

I always start off with push-ups. I count to 1000, then go backwards from 1000 back to 0.

I'm over halfway done and sweating profusely. I'm at 885 and counting down out loud, and Kaneki is watching me oddly. I've noticed he pays more attention during the second half of my exercise than the first, but I don't think anything of it.

"Neki," I pant. "Get on my back."

His head shakes violently as though he were in a daze and I've just brought him back to reality. "What?"

I repeat, "Get on my back."

From the corner of my eye I see him cock his head sideways. "Why?"

I grin, and I pull my arms up, locking my elbows. "To make it harder." I go back down into a push-up, and I remain there, waiting.

Kaneki seems hesitant, but he hops off the bed and lands beside me. He loops one leg over my back and sits on me. I continue my push-ups; my muscles are screaming at me to stop but the harsh burn keeps me going. At 552 I can feel myself losing track of the numbers. I tell Kaneki, "Count for me."

There is a long silence. "You…want me to count?"

"Yeah. Count backwards from 552." In the past I may have questioned if Kaneki, a ghoul, could know simple math. Over the weeks I've roomed with him though, I've discovered he is far, far more intelligent than I gave him credit for. Hell, he's a _thousand_ times smarter than me.

There's another moment of silence, and I consider retracting the request altogether. But then he begins, slowly, hesitantly. It's not on pace with my push-ups at all, but I don't interrupt.

When he gets to 447 I notice he skips and jumps to 440. Then he jumps to 433. Then 426. Then 419.

"Kaneki."

"412. 405."

The way he says these numbers sends chills down my spine. I don't understand it at all, but something's wrong. I stop my exercise, and first I think of flipping him off my back. I'm an idiot though, and I don't want to hurt him. I lay my knees on the ground but remain in a push-up position.

"398. 391." 

"Kaneki!" He suddenly stops counting, and there's a few moments of silence. "…Are you okay?"

He doesn't respond, and my worries increase. I say fuck it and I flip him off my back. He lands on the hard floor with a thud, his entire body jolting in surprise.

He stares at me with wide eyes. "Amon…" It's like he didn't even remember me being there.

"What was that?" I demand, for a reason I don't understand worried beyond belief. The counting, the aftermath, his reaction… _what the hell?_

"Sorry."

"What happened?"

He closes up and looks away, and I almost scream in frustration. I wait for him to say something, anything. He doesn't. Please, just say something.

He dips his head. "I'm sorry," he says again, barely a whisper.

I sigh deeply. I have to let it go, I have to. Since Day 1 I knew he was a mystery, and I knew he'd keep things from me. I have to understand where Kaneki's coming from. I have to respect his need for silence.

I ruffle his hair. "It's okay. You can make it up to me by stealing an extra brownie for me in the cafeteria."

Kaneki has the smallest of smiles. He nods in agreement.

He lifts his right arm to pat my head, and his elbow pops as he does so. It has happened before, and it triggers something in my memory that I'd wholly forgotten. But…what is it?

I stare intently at Kaneki's arm trying to figure it out. The way his arm is bent, the way the elbow move… "Wait…" My mind replays to days ago, weeks ago. Something's not adding up. "I'm confused."

He pulls his arm back and raises an eyebrow. "Mmm, as am I Amon." He's confused by my confusion.

I haven't explained myself. I let my thoughts develop more. I remember now. "You had a displaced…something something. Something about your elbow. You were injured."

He blinks at me in confusion. A few moments later the memory sparks, and he gestures to his elbow area. "Ah, the supracondylar humerus fracture. Yes, I do." By the way he says it I can tell he doesn't understand my curiosity or questioning.

"Wouldn't that take like, forever to heal? It sounded serious. Where did your bandage go? Did you go back to the clinic for a check-up? How have you been able to move so freely?"

And how the hell can I claim I'm so interested in him, yet not notice something as simple as that?

Kaneki shrugs. "I took it off before one of my showers weeks ago. It got in the way." So this was probably when we weren't as…close. I hadn't cared about him like I do now.

"Doesn't it still hurt?"

He shrugs. As if to test it out he bends his elbow back and forth, and I cringe as every-so-often his elbow makes a horrid popping sound. His face expresses no pain though. "Not really."

I'm absolutely positive I'm staring in utter astonishment. All of the pieces I've gathered so far come together again. The torture theme plays on my memory again…Kaneki may have been tortured...and developed a high pain tolerance...

"Why did you ask?"

I can't stand it, I can't stand this. _I can't stand it._ I hurl myself to my feet and vigorously pace, back and forth back and forth in this fucking cramped cell. My thoughts are unfathomable. My mind is blown.

"Amon..." He doesn't know what to say. He's still confused. He doesn't understand.

Emotion hits me harder than I ever imagined, and my legs feel like jelly. Every part of me aches, and I finally lean against the wall. I bend at the knees and fall on my ass.

Kaneki can break bones but not think anything of it. Because apparently that's just his _life_. Not out of the norm, just everyday routine. I want to understand...I want to understand...I want to understand...

I run my hands through my hair and clench my fists. Kaneki's sitting near me, and I finally look at him. My voice is shaky. "W-What have you been through in your life?" His gaze doesn't leave me, but he doesn't make a move to respond. "I want to know more about you. Neki…please…" Want... _Need_...I feel myself choke on a sob, and my respirations become irregular. I squeeze my eyes tight. All of these mysteries are killing me. "You're driving me crazy…"

My eyes are squeezed tight. I'm having trouble breathing, and my chest hurts, but I don't dare move. I feel like such a fool, such a child. How old is Kaneki? He seems a thousand times more mature than me. Why am I so juvenile? Why does this effect me so much?

I don't hear him move, but after a few moments three fingers tickle my shoulder. It catches me off guard, and my head jolts up to meet Kaneki's soft eyes.

"It's amazing…" He has a small, genuine smile on his face. "How much you care about me, Amon."

I tear pieces of hair from my scalp and gripe, "Of _course_ I care…I…I…" The next words that are about the leave my mouth are volatile, risky, and right now, scary as hell. I don't complete my sentence.

Kaneki slowly climbs onto my lap. He faces me with his knees on either side of my hips. "I have been tortured."

Our gazes never leave each other, and I can tell he's watching me, observing how I'll react. I can't stop the small gasp that escapes my lips though, and I push down the urge to vomit. I can't. Not now. Not now not now not now.

He continues. "I have been raped."

Tears fill my eyes. I want to punch a wall, a building, the entire world. I feel like I'm falling into a hole, a vortex of no return. When he was being harassed in the shower by Julian and his crew, that thought had drifted into my memory. And when Crowe had Kaneki cornered in our cell, he had seemed comatose, like it threw him into a past horror. The truth doesn't surprise me.

But…but…a sob burst through me. Why does it have to be _true?_

I break our gaze as my eyes shut and I focus on not hyperventilating. The visual of him being pushed down, forced. The visual of him being beaten, constantly injected with RC suppressant fluids so he can't heal.

My head falls heavy onto his shoulder and another sob escapes me. He holds up my weight with ease, and his soft hand rests on my clavicle.

My voice is emotional, damaged. "W-Why are you so young…yet s-so hurt?"

His other hand finds my hair, and he pets me soothingly. "It's made me into the person I am today. But…it doesn't define me. I'm still me. Kaneki the…ghoul."

I sniffle. He hesitated oddly on "ghoul." Does he think, as a human, that I would discriminate against him? After being cellmates for so long, and for how close we've become, I thought it was clear I didn't mind he's a ghoul.

Tear tracks stain my cheeks, but I'm surprised when suddenly droplets of cool liquid fall onto my shoulder. I look up and see Kaneki himself crying. His eyes are so big, so hurt, and in this moment he reminds me of a small porcelain doll. Too delicate for this world, and with one touch of a finger he'll shatter into a million pieces.

"A-Amon…I'm a g-ghoul," he chokes out. Why is his gaze so desolate, so betrayed? I don't understand. I don't understand at all.

"I know Neki, I know. It's okay."

_"It's not."_

I stop. With tear-filled eyes I look at Kaneki. What brought this on, what is making him say this? When we first met, before Mado-san was killed, he spoke of equality between ghouls and humans. Why does he desire equality when he himself hates being a part of his own species? I don't understand.

"Kaneki…you were born this way. You can't help what you are—"

There was more I wanted to say, but my words seem to have upset him more. Now he is leaning on my shoulder and I immediately envelope him, crushing his body into mine. I want him to feel cherished, safe. I want him to be free of judgment. I want him to live a happy, boring life, without fear of discrimination because he is a ghoul, or fear of being killed by the CCG for being the one thing they can't tolerate.

I carefully pull his head away so I can look into his eyes. Tears streak down his cheeks, and I hold his head in my hands. I wipe the tears away as each one falls.

"Please…please don't cry. Please, just tell me what to do. I'll do anything." He never shows this much emotion. I'm so desperate, I'm so fucking _desperate._

He chokes on another sob. "I'm so sorry Amon," he cries, and suddenly he's moving and our bodies clash. Before words can escape my mouth my lips are sealed by a pair of lips. Warm. Hot. Wet.

I have just been thrown into a whirlwind of confusion.

I'm wide-eyed and staring at nothing. My mind is furiously trying to calculate what is happening. Kaneki's lips are against mine. Is this entire thing an illusion? My entire body is frozen as I feel Kaneki's lips continue pressing against mine, firm but not painful. All thoughts are senseless and incomprehensive. Did my mind just make this up? Is this really happening right now?

But…this feels good. I like this kiss. His lips mold against mine so well. I want to reciprocate the kiss. I want to feel more of him…

But I am too late. A sob escapes Kaneki's lips and he pulls away from me like I'm a monster. His face is a mess of self-hatred and disgust. "I'm sorry, I-I don't know what I was t-thinking." He crawls until he hits the opposite wall. His face is red from crying. "I'm sorry…I-I'm so sorry."

My body is frozen in awe. "I-It's okay…" Why can't I say more? Why can't I tell him it felt good, that I enjoyed it, that I'd been intending to reciprocate?

My mind is numb and I am too late. The intercom blares. "All ghouls, line up for daily suppressants. All ghouls, line up for daily suppressants."

Our cell opens, Kaneki cracks a knuckle, and he escapes as if the cell is engulfed in flames.

Ten minutes later he comes back and I'm still on the floor, shell-shocked. He says nothing, climbs onto his bed, and we don't speak the rest of the morning.

XxXxXxX

**Hide POV**

"Thank you for your help, Touka."

Her gaze is sorrowful. "You better keep me updated. I want to know everything." Her voice doesn't have the bite it used to.

I nod, and then I'm out of the café. I jump onto my bike and ride to the nearest post office.

I've found you Kaneki. After weeks and weeks of searching, I have finally _found_ you.

I place my letter into the mailbox, already impatient.

Kaneki…I'm going to bring you home.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have felt incredibly encouraged by everyone's kind comments, and I would like to thank everyone who has stayed with me thus far. I'm new to Ao3 and I feel very welcomed here. Additionally, y'all motivated me to add a few scenes to the story I've been contemplating for awhile. It's nothing excessive, just something I thought would be fun and angsty. 
> 
> Because of the additions at least another chapter has been added. Chapter count currently unknown.
> 
> Enjoy!

XxXxXxX 

For the first morning in years I don't complete my exercise regimen. The thought doesn't even cross my mind, because I am too busy…thinking, fretting, dying inside. _Fuck._

Kaneki is lying on his bottom bunk, and when I finally climb onto my feet with shaky legs, I don't join him in his bed. I abandon him, I let him sleep by _himself._ I climb onto the top bunk and stare at the wall in front of me for what feels like an eternity. Maybe it's hours. Maybe it's days. I can feel time passing me by but the only place I'm trapped is in my mind.

When the bell rings and we go to lunch I don't sit beside him, and that moment shows me just how vile I really am. I'm awful, I'm a _coward._ The more I think about it the more scared I am about liking Kaneki. _Do_ I like him? I can't even tell. Maybe I'm just a horny male that doesn't get much action so anything will do?

And Kaneki…Kaneki is a kid. I don't know how old he is, but if we were together I'd probably be a goddamn _pedophile._

I almost choke on my food at that, and I quickly take my mind elsewhere. I notice I'm not sitting beside anyone I've become acquaintances with at Quinx Penitentiary, and my eyes widen when I see I'm sitting at the same table as Julian. Julian, the man that had groped Kaneki in the showers along with his stupid gang. His eyes are now staring at something over my left shoulder, and I follow his gaze to see he's looking at Kaneki.

What the fuck? How long has he been watching Kaneki? What the absolute hell?

I turn back to the table. "What are you looking at?" I'm suddenly so angry, so scared. I have to know what Julian is thinking.

Julian returns my gaze and cocks an eyebrow. It occurs to me I probably know him better than he knows me. "None of your damn business." His accent is obnoxious.

"Are you looking at that white-haired ghoul?"

"Don't fuckin' matter because it's none of your business." He blinks, seems to contemplate, then he leans forward. "Wait…" He pauses. "Aren't you roomies with that ghoul?"

Fuck. He really is interested in Kaneki. God-fucking-damn it.

That single question answered my question. I act aloof and shrug. "None of your damn business."

It's trouble for me because I see Julian's two friends are sitting at this table as well. I continue eating my food like the conversation is over and I have no more to say. From my periphery I can see Julian's grip on his fork is tight and his hand is shaking.

Suddenly he calms. "I want to make a trade."

I stop chewing. If Julian thinks I will do anything to get him closer to Kaneki…he's absolutely fucking crazy.

"What's the trade?"

He discreetly stands and shows me his pockets. Wads of money and drugs. This corrupt fuck. Probably got it from the guards.

"I'll give you all this if you switch cells with me."

His offer is doable. If requests are submitted from both parties to change cells, the higher-ups will almost always allow it. They deny the applications only if they suspect it would cause disruption to the penitentiary.

His offer is doable…but it ain't fuckin' happening.

I'm done eating, and I push my tray away from me. "I'm good where I am thanks."

"Do you enjoy rooming with him that much? Y'all fucking or somethin'?"

That hits home for me, and for a moment all I see is red. "No, in fact I really hate that ghoul." I stand. I'm done here. "I just happen to hate you more."

And if I'd been expecting a punch in the head as I walked away, well…you can't blame me.

XxXxXxX

I'm sitting on the bleachers in the courtyard now, and I'm overcome with pain, guilt, and worry. My psyche is weighed down, now even more so because of this fucking _Julian._

But he is only background noise in my already screaming mind. I can't stop thinking about _it._ The kiss, the aftermath, Kaneki's broken expression when he abruptly pulled away from me. I'm thinking so much I'm getting a horrible, horrible headache.

At the time of the act it was clear Kaneki was in an unstable state of mind. He needed a distraction from whatever terrible thoughts he was trapped in, and I in no way blame him for his actions.

But…what do _I_ think about it?

Since the first day Kaneki arrived in this prison I have watched him. Whether out of interest or disdain or both he has _always_ been on my radar. I watch him, and over time I've noticed more and more of his quirks. How he startles when he hears knuckles crack, yet he does it himself when he's stressed or thinking deeply. Or how the sight of a centipede sends shivers down his spine, and I squash them under my foot just so I can get that defeated look off his face.

So what does that mean? What does it mean that I notice so much about him, that I care for his well-being, that I want to be able to protect him from anything that could bring him harm? That just makes me a good friend…right?

I don't know.

To be completely honest, even despite my imprisonment I've had very… _minimal_ experience in relationships. I've gone on dates, yeah, and I've had sex. But ever since I became an investigator at the CCG, hunting down ghouls was my life. I didn't have relationships, and I didn't want to. I was content doing what I loved.

Wait…what am I doing? What am I saying? I don't see Kaneki like _that._ There's no way. Right? I've never even identified as gay, never _thought_ about it.

And Kaneki is…Kaneki is a _kid._ Oh god there's no way.

"Why do you look like a dog ate your hamster?"

I startle, and I look up from the green grass to see Walter with his hands in his uniform pockets.

I just want to be alone. I look back down at the grass. "I don't think you can help me with this Walter."

He continues walking toward me. "Don't be so sure." He climbs up the bleachers and sits beside me. "Tell me about it. I'm a good listener."

My nostril quivers, and I try to keep my emotions in place. I look through the dividing fence to see Kaneki. He is looking up at the sky. His eyebrows are slanted and his gaze hardened. I wonder if he's stressed about the same things I'm stressing about.

"It's about him…isn't it?"

My gaze never leaves the boy. Without understanding why I find myself opening up. "Something weird happened today. I don't think he even meant for it to happen but…" I sigh and wipe my hand along my face. "I don't know. It's just left me really confused."

"He kissed you didn't he?"

My eyes widen to the size of saucers and my head swivels to face him. "How did you—?!"

He chuckles and pets his gray beard. "I'm a wise old man, Amon. You shouldn't underestimate me."

Fucking magician is what he is. I mentally shrug. "So what should I do?"

"That depends. How do you feel about him?"

I'm embarrassed by my answer. I shrug my shoulders and look away, muttering, "I don't know..."

"That's awfully indecisive."

I'm angered and spat, "Thanks, you're oh so helpful. Glad you noticed."

Walter gazes out into the distance, still composed as ever. "Amon, have you ever noticed that almost every conversation we have in some way revolves around that ghoul?"

I blink. Huh? Yeah fucking right.

But…I think back on our conversations, the discussions we have. One day we even argued what pasttimes Kaneki may have. Knitting, sports, board games? My stomach sinks in dread as I realize he's right.

But I have never been attracted to males, so why _now?_ Why am I so affected by a boy that is a _ghoul,_ a species I used to hate with all of my being?

Yet suddenly…suddenly…

My heart pounds against my chest. I swallow. "What does that mean…? Does this mean…Does this mean I'm a…I'm a…" My voice squeaks at the last word as I whisper, "Pedophile?"

I'm surprised by Walter's surprise, and then he barks out a loud, obnoxious laugh. "A pedophile? Amon, you're worried about being a _pedophile?"_ His laughter is at my expense and I'm almost tempted to punch him.

I flail my arm in Kaneki's direction. "Look at him! He could _easily_ be under 18!" I put my arm back down in defeat and cover my face with my hands. "I'm 26. Fuck that's a huge age difference. I don't want to take advantage of him…"

His hand pats my back but it reassures me none. What do I do? How do I make all of this okay?

"Think about what he's been through Amon."

That makes me angry, really angry. What does he think I've been _doing_ all this time? I stand furiously and I fling Walter's arm off me. "I am damn it! That's why I'm so goddamn hesitant!"

Through all of this Walter has been so composed, so calm, and he remains that way even now. It almost infuriates me more, but it also makes me feel stupid and childish. The expression on my face doesn't change, but I reluctantly sit back down.

"Listen Amon," he begins. "That boy has been through a lot. Too much. If he finds someone he can rely on, trust, and love…" He pauses. "Is age really that important?"

I close my eyes, and I ponder his words. If I'm honest, his opinion makes sense, and I think I knew that all along. In the eyes of the law, if he's under 18, I would be a pedophile. But what about the eyes of Kaneki, the only eyes that _matter?_ If he wants me to be a part of his life, why should I reject that purely because of age? Why was I being so superficial?

I make a scrunched face. "But I don't know if I like him."

Walter barks another laugh, and he pats me on the shoulder. "Son, if you didn't like him then we never would have had this conversation."

I think about it, then realize once again how fucking right he is. My cheeks burn red. Oh god, he's right. I'm attracted to Kaneki, I'm attracted to Kaneki, I'm _attracted to Kaneki._

I need help, advice, _more._ I turn back to Walter only to see he's suddenly distracted by something across the courtyard. _Now?_ Bastard. I follow his gaze.

Julian is standing at the fence, the fence that divides humans and ghouls. On the other side Kaneki cracks his knuckle and is looking at Julian. It seems Julian had gotten his attention.

Julian gestures him over, and Kaneki closes the distance between them. Julian speaks and Kaneki listens.

"What the fuck is going on…" My mouth is gaping open. The cafeteria exchange between Julian and I crosses my mind. I'm confused and stunned and enraged.

"That man is not a good one, Amon."

I grit my teeth. Yes, I fucking _know_ that. What should I do? Should I go over there? Should I make sure everything's okay?

But then Kaneki's gaze turns to me, and he…he looks…

Devastated.

If I'd been standing I would have crumpled to the floor from his gaze alone. He looks so betrayed, like he's just been abandoned on an island where his only purpose was to die, and god _damn_ it what is that fucking bastard Julian telling him? Fuck I regret even talking to that man! What have I done? It feels like I've set something in motion that I can't take back.

Kaneki's gaze leaves me, his attention back to Julian. That devastated look is less potent, but still very much in place.

"Amon…" Walter says calmly, but I can feel his underlying tension. "Why did your boy look at you like that?"

I don't chastise him for his wording. My heart feels crushed, I feel like I've done something horrible but I don't know what.

My voice is shaky. "I…I don't know." I try to remember what was spoken between me and Julian. He'd asked to switch cells with me, I told him no. That was the gist, that was it…right?

Walter helped me sift through my feelings about Kaneki, and he helped me realize something I knew for awhile now. I like Kaneki, a _lot._

And I never, _never_ want to see that look on his face again.

The intercom blares and I'm pulled from my thoughts. I want to crawl into a corner and cry, but I have to be strong. Whatever Kaneki's troubled about I will absolutely make it right. I stand from the bleachers and we're led single-file into the building. Humans and ghouls alike are led through the hallways and back to their cells.

I make it to Kaneki and I's cell first, and I sit on his bed and wait for him. For so many reasons I'm anxious, and I can feel sweat dribbling down my forehead and wetness staining my armpits.

Finally Kaneki is led into our cell, and the bars close behind him. He doesn't step forward toward his bed, where _I_ am, like I'd hoped he would. He stands beside the bars and hides his eyes behind his white hair.

I'm trying so damn hard to decide what to say, that it surprises me when Kaneki speaks first.

"I-I…I'm sorry about the kiss." His voice is barely trembling. "I didn't mean it, i-it didn't mean anything." He lifts his head to meet my gaze. His eyes are wet with unshed tears. "Please forget it ever happened."

My heart is shattered into a thousand pieces, and I think I'm dying. My chest hurts and my eyes burn. His eyes…his words…The kiss…meant nothing to him? Nothing?

I don't know what to say. Now that I've figured out I love him, how am I supposed to go back to the way we were? How am I supposed to go back to being friends?

Kaneki takes a step forward. His voice is a bit stronger, more passionate. "The kiss didn't mean anything, s-so please…please continue to be my cellmate."

Wait…what. When was that ever in question?

"W-What…?" I ask. I feel like I've been thrown into a fighting arena where my enemy is a shadow. I can't fight it, I can't win. "I don't understand Kaneki."

He's fidgeting with the sleeve of his uniform, and when it hits me I'm thrown off the bed with such speed my head spins. I hurl myself to my feet and Kaneki's eyes are wide with surprise. I exclaim, "It was Julian wasn't it?! What did Julian say?"

That has to be it, that _has_ to be the cause of this.

He looks down and hides behind his hair again. I want to run my fingers through his bangs and reveal his deep brown eyes.

"In the cafeteria, you told him…that you hated me." He shakes his head and speaks faster. "I'm sure it's from the kiss, and I'm sorry. God I'm so sorry, it won't happen again. It didn't mean anything, I was just confused and hurt and didn't know what to do and—"

My fist hits the wall and my chest heaves. My body is engulfed with rage, with anguish. Julian is the cause of this, but I am the cause of this too. I had lied, I had told Julian I hated Kaneki. Of course it was in Julian's interest to share that. _Fuck!_

And Kaneki's saying the kiss didn't mean anything. Is that because he doesn't want to push me away, or is he saying that because it's true?

I can almost feel the veins in my body rushing blood back to my heart. My heart needs something to keep it going, because I'm certain at any time it's going to fail…

"I don't hate you Kaneki." I say it softly, with less vigor than I had intended. Compared to my usually loud voice it was barely a squeak. Everything in my body is shutting down. "On the contrary I—"

"Can we just forget about it?" His voice is just as quiet, a bare whisper. A lone tear trails down his cheek. "I just want to forget about it."

A strangled sob wracks through me. I fucked up and there's no going back. I fucked up. I fucked up. There's nothing I can do.

Something clangs against our cell bars. I look up with little curiosity. I don't care anymore.

It's a guard. "Ghoul, time for your shower." He seems to take in Kaneki's appearance and looks shocked. I can understand that, Kaneki is usually so composed.

And look at what I've turned him in to.

Kaneki leaves with the guard and I'm stuck wallowing in my failures. How much of our time together will change? Will we sleep in different beds? Will we still eat lunch together? Will we sit and talk about random shit, or wrestle like a couple of kids when something doesn't go our way?

Should I let the course of our time together change because of the simple fact I'm a fucking idiot?

I sit. I contemplate that single, naked question. My thick eyebrows rise and my eyes widen.

No…No I should not.

I'm suddenly bursting with energy as I pace frantically in the enclosed space.

I've turned this into a shitstorm, but I will change it back. I _will_ change it back.

I gulp nervously as I pace. Oh fuck. I can't fuck this up.

XxXxXxX

**Kaneki POV**

I'm trapped.

I'm trapped by these walls, trapped in this shattered mind of mine. How did it become this way? How did I allow myself to fall this far?

Before…I'd been okay. Content. Happy. Even as a prisoner of Quinx Penitentiary I had enjoyed my life trapped by four small walls.

I enter the shower and go to the showerhead farthest from others. I'm embarrassed and ashamed by how horribly I ruined everything, and I scrub soap hard against my body. As if the barely-there pain could make feel me better…what a joke.

With Amon I felt a happiness I never thought I could rediscover. Through him I have re-learned the meaning of friendship, laughter, and something more, something foreign. Something like…

I scrub more vigorously than before, and I can see my skin is becoming raw. I have to get the filth off me. Not just the dirt and grime gathered throughout the day, but also the muddied, lingering scent of Jason. Jason, the ghoul that took my body and claimed it as his own. Even now this body doesn't feel like it's fully mine. Will he ever go away?

"Hey pretty thing. It's been awhile since I've talked with ya in the shower."

I close my eyes, wishing for something that will not come. I do not have the patience to speak with this man right now. The patience, nor the resilience.

"I heard you had something to do with Crowe getting fired. That true?" He sidles closer to me. "I heard he tried to…touch ya." The last part is said with sickening curiosity, and I see his tongue trail over his teeth.

"It does not matter. Now please back away."

He doesn't, and I am unsurprised when he only moves closer. His fingers dance lightly on the small of my bare back. I shiver, and it's for a reason other than the cold afternoon showers.

"Amon hates you," he whispers, and it freezes my blood cold to hear him say those words again. My heart aches. Why must this man be so cruel? Julian shakes his head and smiles. "But I don't. In fact…" He's taller than me, and his head dips down to rest on my hair. "I quite like you."

His hand on the small of my back inches downward.

_KANEEKKKIIIII, IT'S BEEN TOO LONG. I'VE MISSEEEDDD YOU. LET ME FUCCKKK YOU._

I squeeze my eyes tight. I know it's not Jason. I know it. So _why…?_

For a reason I can't explain I'm frozen, and I let Julian continue to grope me. His hand finds its target and I gasp as he gently fingers the rim of my hole. Why am I allowing this? Why am I being so _weak?_

_KANEEKKKIIIII, BEND OVER FOR ME. OOHHH, YOU CAN'T? THAT'S OKAY I'LL DO IT FOR YOU._

A chill runs through me. A phantom pain courses over me at the memory of my spine being broken in half. Shattered just so Jason could bend me over and fuck me.

After I escaped that wretched checkered room, I vowed I would never let another person, human or ghoul, touch me like that. I vowed _never_ again.

It's when the first finger slides in that I come to life. I reach backwards and grab Julian's wrist, and with a single motion I break it. As he's screaming I take the finger he put inside me, and I break that too.

Everyone in the showers is staring in horror, but I do not care. There is little I care about now, because I have lost…so much. Too much.

I want to do more. I want to grab Julian's head and spin it from front to back. I want to rip a hole through his stomach and pull his intestines out. I want to take those intestines and feed them to him string by string.

I do none of those things. Instead I lean forward and speak into his ear. "Sorry I didn't let you touch me the way you wanted." A lie.

Julian is gasping, his limbs shaking as he holds his broken wrist, and his finger is bent grotesquely. I walk around him, because I want to leave this room and he is in my way.

When I walk out of the showers the guards are a distance away, which explains why they never heard Julian's scream. I take a towel, dry myself off, then put on a new uniform. One of the guards comes to me and leads me back to my cell.

I'm not stable, I don't feel stable. I walk by the cells and see danger. I see the old man Amon converses with and he's looking at me funny. He's observant, human, a threat. Should I remove the threat?

I stumble as I walk, and I hold a hand to my left eye. What am I thinking? What am I doing? I'm a monster...

It doesn't feel safe to see Amon right now.

My chest hurts. Amon…

"Ghoul, what's the hold up? Come on." The guard is getting impatient with me.

I stand up straight and continue on my path. Rize is sitting on the rusty ledge on the other side of the cells, watching and laughing at me. _Come now, Kaneki-kun, you know you are two things: a monster and a slut. A beautiful combination if you ask me._ I ignore her, but I can't help but wonder if she's right. I did not ask for her opinion, but every time she provides it it breaks me down more and more. 

I close my eyes, and I hold back a sob. Amon deserves so much better.

I open my eyes and Amon and I's cell is in sight. My heart stops. So soon? I'm not ready. My nerves are frayed. My hands are trembling and my raw skin burns.

My feet are heavy. I'm mere steps away.

_I…please…please let this go well…I don't want to be alone._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When first creating Julian I thought he'd only be in the shower scene. I should have put more effort into naming him, because in my head he doesn't look like a Julian.XD


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit shorter than last chapter, so I apologize for that. I wanted to end it on a fun part. XD
> 
> Enjoy!

There are many things I want to say to Kaneki. There are many things I have prepare on the tip of my tongue, and I'm almost shaking with anticipation for him to come back. I have so much to _say_ Kaneki, and I need you to hear me out.

Kaneki kissed me, whether it was to seek comfort or genuine affection I don't know. If he doesn't love me back then there is nothing I can do. But to sit here and act like nothing's changed, I would be a true idiot.

I hear his footsteps and I immediately stop my pacing. Yes, at last, _at last._

Kaneki and the guard appear at the cell, and the guard calls for the cell to be opened. When I see Kaneki's eyes the excited smile falls from my face, and I'm launched into yet another whirlwind of agony.

The bars open and Kaneki enters the cell. He looks scared, but he also looks hurt. He looks…incredibly conflicted.

I don't know what to make of it, but I can't allow myself to be discouraged now. I've prepared too much for this. If I say nothing I'll regret it the rest of my life.

"Kaneki…" My mouth dries up when that single word brings his eyes to meet mine. His gaze is potent. Words fail me. I don't know what to do.

I am surprised when it is Kaneki who speaks. "I am broken, Amon." His voice is calm, but I can feel the underlying current. Kaneki is…terrified.

He brings a tentative, shaky hand to his hair. "In my head…in the world around me…everything is shattered. Messed up. Things I see are a lie. I-I try to be strong, but I have no strength. I have no worth in this world."

My knees are shaking, almost bouncing off each other they're trembling so violently. His opinion of himself is wretched. I hate it, I fucking _hate_ it.

I can tell he has more to say. I want to tell him he's wrong about himself (so goddamn _wrong_ ), but right now what I want more is to hear every single word he has to offer.

With fine tremors Kaneki's hand travels down his face, and holds his chest. His fingers clench tightly at his uniform. "But…you have shown me something. Awoken something. B-Because of you I h-haven't felt alone. I feel important, valued."

His eyes are glazed now, his face is distorted in self-hatred. "When our lips met I thought I was on a cloud. I lied to you Amon, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry if enjoying our kiss makes me a horrible person. I'm sorry that I'm a monster. I-If you don't want to be friends with me I-I understand." His knees give out and he falls to the floor. A tear splashes onto the ground, and his laugh is disgusting, a mockery. "I-I just don't want to be alone. I'm so selfish."

For as long as I've known him Kaneki has always been so composed, so strong. He stood on a pedestal I could never reach. But, I never realized how much that pedestal was his downfall. I never realized how much he endured. Even now I see only a fraction. Realistically, I have probably seen little to none of Kaneki's true pain.

All this time I'd been forming the right words, constructing the perfect sentences. Preparing everything to be _perfect_ when I finally spoke to Kaneki. Yet while I remained mute, Kaneki was the one who bled his heart out. He apologized for the kiss, apologized for liking it. He thinks he's _horrible._

I fall to the floor too, not only to be at eye level but also because my strength has left me. I crawl to him, weak and anguished and _god I need to make this right._

Kaneki's face is hidden behind his white hair, and I crawl until I'm directly in front of his small figure. I barely run my fingers through the soft, so soft strands. He looks up, and by his expression he looks ready to be hit.

He flinches when I gently place my hand on his cheek. He doesn't back away, and I don't remove it.

"What I hate the most," I begin softly, placing my other hand on his chest. "Is what's inside here." His eyes widen. "Your feelings of inadequacy. The despair you feel when you're convinced you're not good enough."

I inch forward, and my voice barely grows in power. "Kaneki, do you know what I see when I look at you?" He cringes. Because he thinks it'll be _bad._ "Strength. I see strength, wisdom, selflessness, and a boy trying so hard to protect everyone but himself. You fight so hard for those people that, bit by bit, you allow yourself to fall apart."

I lean forward and carefully, so carefully, kiss his cheek. The left, then the right. I whisper against his lips. "The pieces of you are scattered all over the place, but I want to make you whole again."

Kaneki's lips are quivering, and I pause. My heart is filled with so much, so goddamn _much._ Every moment that passes my emotions skyrocket until the breath is knocked out of me.

Kaneki swallows, and he licks his lips, tongue almost flickering against my own. "I-If it's you, Amon…" He nods shakily. "I think I c-can be put back together."

I force down the sob that threatens to rip through me.

I want to kiss him, _god_ I want to kiss him. His lips are plump, pink, barely moist. I yearn to kiss him more than I yearn to breathe.

But I don't. With every ounce of willpower in my body I rest my head beside his, and wrap my arms around his slim waist. I dance feather-light kisses along his neck and the crook of his shoulder, and I'm turned on when he shivers at my touch.

Kaneki reciprocates the hug, his head resting on the nape of my neck.

We stay like that for a long time, until my knees start to cramp, and then I carry him to the bed and snuggle him against me. I had missed this. I had missed lying in bed with him and I had missed everything being right with the world. It's an exaggeration, we have so much to get through, so many obstacles to cross, but this is an amazing start. I'm back in bed with him, I can _protect_ him.

The minutes tick by and the bell will probably ding for lunch soon. I cherish the moments we have in peace.

I cherish them, but…at the same time there are still so many question that are haunting me.

"Kaneki…" He bends a finger against my shoulder to indicate he's listening. I lightly, so lightly, tap his head. "You're messed up…in your head. Aren't you?" There's a long moment of nothingness, and I quickly regret asking. Then he finally, barely nods, as though he's worried confirming my suspicions will push me away.

"Would you say that, being with me, it's not as bad? That you feel more normal?"

This time he does not hesitate when he nods, and he tilts his head up at me. "Truly. With you I…almost feel human."

My heart surges. I had never realized he was so hurt, but I also had never realized the effect I had on him. I…I can help him. God thank god I think I can help this boy.

Not too long and the bell dings for lunch. I'm reluctant to leave the bed, but Kaneki is getting to his feet, readying to leave. It almost feels like he's walking away from me.

But then he turns, and playfully gestures for me to follow.

My smile is bright and big on my face, and I jump out of bed and follow him out of the cell. We walk to the cafeteria. Side by side.

XxXxXxX

For the next two days my life is content. Kaneki is—mostly—back to his usual self, and I find myself watching him more than before, which I never thought was possible. He is still quiet, still composed, but with what he's been through (I don't even know what he's been through) I doubt that'll ever go away.

I'm in the courtyard, absently wishing Kaneki was beside me. I feign watching the clouds, the sky, the inmates working out or shooting the basketball, but all I'm really watching is Kaneki. His gaze is on the ground, and with the terrified look on his face I have a feeling he found a centipede.

These last two days have been great. I honestly wasn't expecting us to patch it up as well as we did. But…

Everything gets better until the moment it doesn't.

My gaze breaks from Kaneki (please, just walk away. Don't look at it, _don't look at it_ ) when Julian suddenly appears beside me. I'm sitting on the bleachers and he plops down beside me, uninvited.

My terse response is instant. "What do you want?" If it's about switching cells with me I will knock him on his ass. He has already caused enough damage.

If it's possible for someone to have both a sneer and grin, Julian nailed it. He waves his right hand, and it isn't until then that I notice the white cast on his arm. "I'm just feelin' like a little payback is all. I'm a bit… _displeased_ at recent turn of events."

I have no clue what he's talking about, but if it has to do with his arm then he probably fucking deserved it. Someone finally put him in his place.

"Your pretty ghoul did this to me, you know that?"

That makes me pause, and for a second horrid images are scratching at the surface of my brain. Horrid, disgusting, vile.

Kaneki, who was spit on and beat with batons, yet did nothing. Kaneki, who was punched again and again by Danzo, yet did nothing.

But something happened with Julian to make him retaliate? And I wasn't _there?_

I swallow, trying to keep my voice steady. "W-What are you talking about?"

His tongue flashes out to grotesquely lick his lips. "For awhile he let me touch him, let me poke and prod and squeeze." He spit into the grass. "Then the bastard changed his mind. Fucking cunt. Sent me to the infirmary."

A rug has been swept under my feet and I'm freefalling. My first thought is _the shower._ Two days ago, Kaneki had come back from the showers, and I knew something was off. I knew something had affected him. He was obviously hurting, yet all I was focused on was our relationship and mending whatever it was that we had.

I ignored his pain and instead prioritized my own pleasure.

"You…you tried to touch him?" My voice was cold, deadly. My voice was foreign to even me.

He cackled. "Nah man, there was no _try._ I succeeded. Was able to finger him nicely bef—"

The first swing of my arm didn't register in my mind, nor did the second. The third, fourth, and fifth though, those I felt, those I _savored_. I savored the feel of my fists as they crashed into Julian's jaw and cheekbone and eye socket. I felt fury like I've never felt. Julian, this bastard, touched what was _mine!_

I could hear guards coming, but my mind didn't register it as a threat. I didn't stop. I didn't do anything except what I'd been doing. I punched and punched and punched and—

Sharp electricity ran through me like a current. My body continued jolting as I fell. I was almost grateful when oblivion swept over me.

XxXxXxX

Twenty-four hours.

Because I initiated a fight with an inmate (and got _caught._ There are numerous fights that go unpunished) I was locked in Containment for twenty-four goddamn hours. It's a solitary cell used solely for punishment, four confined walls I had never experienced until now.

For those twenty-four hours all I thought about was Kaneki, and the information I learned prior to going berserk. In the showers, Julian had touched him. With a perverted gaze and perverted hands he grabbed and groped and—.

I'm murderous. My hands squeeze into fists hard enough to draw blood.

My only regret is not getting in a few more punches before the guards got to me.

Twenty-four hours. Twenty-four hours of no food, no water. Nothing but darkness. I could feel along the walls fingernail scratches from inmates that had gone insane here. I can't even imagine what it would be like. To go insane…

I wonder what Kaneki has experienced of insanity?

That thought alone makes me queasy.

When the guard finally opens the door, light hitting my eyes for the first time in a day, I'm almost convinced he's here to finish off the half-death that this punishment was. But he opens the door wide, saying, "You're lucky you got off easy. Let it happen again you'll be in here a week."

I took his threat seriously, and I nodded. With achy muscles I stand, and he leads me out of the containment room. It's in a separate building entirely, and I'm lead across the dying grass to get back to the main building. I'm going back to my cell. Back to _Kaneki._

As I pass by the cells I notice Julian isn't in his own cell. He's probably still in the infirmary. _Good._

"Cell 22, open!"

My gaze jerks up and I see I'm directly in front of my cell. The bars slowly open, but I don't notice. Instead all I see is Kaneki. Kaneki, who was sitting on my top bunk, but jumped down to the floor immediately after seeing me. I barely stop myself from sprinting into the cell, and I quickly stand before him.

"Kaneki—"

"Amon—"

We spoke at the same time. I gesture for him to go first.

"I heard…w-were you…were you in Containment?"

I smile sheepishly, but I'm not quite sure it reaches my eyes. I scratch at the back of my head. "Yeah, I was. Only a day though. I've heard people forced to stay there weeks and months."

"…Why? What happened?" He's asking about what happened in the courtyard with Julian. Why I smashed his face in.

I'm nervous, and I find myself stalling. I slowly climb onto the top bunk and Kaneki follows. Should I admit what Julian told me? How would Kaneki feel if he knew that _I_ knew?

I stutter out something lame and vague. "He just said something to piss me off. You know how I am, can't keep my emotions in tact. So I beat him up."

Kaneki doesn't buy my story (I mean _technically_ it's true, right?), and I know he knows. I know as well as I know my own name.

He avoids eye contact with me, and he keeps his gaze firmly on a corner of the wall. He's embarrassed, ashamed, and right now he's probably hating himself.

Feelings I _never_ want Kaneki to feel _ever_ again.

I take Kaneki's chin, turn his head to face me, and plant a soft kiss on his lips.

For a moment he's surprised and rigid. But soon he's melting into the kiss, melting into my arms. I gently, so gently, pull him down to lie on the bed. I tower over him, hoping my large body isn't intimidating.

But Kaneki looks far from scared, and he pulls me into another kiss.

The containment room had been hellish. But today ended up being pretty fucking nice.

XxXxXxX

"How old are you Kaneki?"

Right now we're on his bottom bunk, him sitting on my lap. Kaneki received his RC suppressant injections not too long ago, and I can tell by the fewer creases in his forehead that the side effects are going down.

He cocks an eyebrow at me. It's an out of the blue question, but a question that I still oddly wonder about. Why, after all these months, haven't I just simply asked him? Yes, he's a private kid and doesn't share a whole lot about his life, but it's just an age. He has no reason to not share right?

"I'm 19."

I watched his plump lips as he talked. I gape. 19. 19. He's…19…

26 and 19. Though, I'll be turning 27 soon based on when I last looked at the calendar. An 8-year age gap.

And…miraculously…

I don't give a fuck.

He must see the look on my face. He pokes my cheek. "Why?"

I grin widely and look down at him. "You're small for a 19-year-old." I chuckle loudly when the closest thing to a pout appears on Kaneki's face, and he elbows me in my ribs.

A loud clanging of metal startles us, and we look to see a guard at our cell, his baton against the bars.

"Ghoul, human. Your showers are up."

I grit my teeth. What, no, I was having fun with Kaneki. Our showers have to be _now?_ Goddamn it. Suddenly my eyes widen.

Wait.

Wait.

_Wait._

…Kaneki and I are going to be showering together?

My mind blanks and my heart races. Kaneki gets off the bed and walks out of the cell, but I'm glued to the mattress. The guard hits his baton against the wall and curses at me, and I know he's waiting for me to get off my ass and follow. Truth be told, I'm about to freak the fuck out. Ever since I discovered my feelings for Kaneki, we had miraculously had opposite shower times, so this moment had never, ever crossed my mind. But suddenly, oh fuck…suddenly…

I'm going to be showering with Kaneki. He's going to be naked. I'm going to be naked.

Oh my fucking _god._

I stand on numb legs and the guard handcuffs me. Kaneki is beside me as we walk down the hall, but I wholeheartedly ignore him. The thought of him naked makes my body feel hot, too goddamn hot, and I can tell I'm starting to sweat. What if I get a boner thinking about him? I'd be surrounded by _29_ naked men. Oh my god I think I'm going to hyperventilate.

Please god let me survive this day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are indeed nearing completionD: So appreciative of the humans that have stuck with me so far.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2nd to last chapter! Enjoy!:D

The travel to the shower is the longest prolonging of execution I ever thought possible. Hell, if I was a _pirate_ walking the plank and subsequently drowning would take a shorter amount of time than this.

I almost punch myself in the face. Why in the holy hell am I thinking about pirates?

The guard continues walking us to my demise. He smirks, and I barely turn my head in time to see him looking down at Kaneki's ass.

"You're looking mighty fine today, ghoul."

My eyes widen and I stare at the guard with enough intensity to explode his head. _What_ did he just say?

He sees my expression, and his smirk falls off his face as if it died.

When we reach the showers the guard takes off both our handcuffs then scurries away to avoid my wrath. As I turn my head to face the showers, though, my wrath quickly becomes fear. With shaky hands I take off my clothing and put them in a dirty laundry bin.

I can _feel_ Kaneki undressing behind me. I hear his uniform hit the floor and it's my intense fear of arousal that rushes me forward, toward the shower. I go to an empty showerhead surrounded by 2 _used_ showerheads, so that means I'm safe right? _Right?_

Miraculously, it does. I don't know where exactly he is, but I can hear him somewhere behind me. I almost heave a sigh of relief.

Kaneki's been through so much in his life. He has been sexually harassed, raped. God he's been raped. I can never allow my own animalistic urges to put Kaneki in an uncomfortable situation. I want Kaneki to feel safe around me, _always._

Even in this moment where all I can think of is pressing my naked body against his.

No, _no!_ Stop thinking about that. Just shower. Just get your shit done and get out.

I run my hands through my hair. Despite the mantra I can't help but imagine my hair as Kaneki's. Kaneki's hair is my addiction. It's so goddamn silky. I wonder if his white hair will revert back to black one day. I honestly wouldn't care either way. I wonder how his hair looks when it's wet. What about his arms, chest, stomach? His hips, his ass, his…

My breathing increases erratically and my brain explodes with carnal images of a _very_ wet, very aroused Kaneki. I scrub my body so vigorously it reddens and chafes. Every inch of me is burning but I don't stop, and I don't plan to. How do I get these inappropriate thoughts to go away? If the water wasn't running so cold I would definitely be… _hard_ right now. _Fuck!_

"Time's up inmates!" The guard yells from outside the door.

No, no. I need more time to compose myself! I'm not ready!

But everyone is leaving the showers, one by one passing me by. I barely turn my gaze to see Kaneki walking away. His skin is a beautiful porcelain white, except his cheeks which have the slightest tint of pink. Is he blushing? _Why?_

I'm so jittery, so fucked up, but I exit the showers. I snatch the nearest towel I can get my hands on and immediately wrap it around my waist.

Clean uniforms are being handed out, and I take mine obediently. I see Kaneki already exiting and being taken back to the cells. My thoughts from just moments ago are still dancing in my head like a merry-go-round.

How…How in the _hell_ am I going to face him now?

…If I'm hard I'm going to scream.

XxXxXxX

When we get back to the cells it doesn't take long for me to realize that I fucked up. I hadn't been planning to address the sexual fantasies I had in the shower (fucking obviously), but I also hadn't been expecting to…just _not_ talk.

Kaneki is more quiet and subdued than he was before. He doesn't look at me, and he crawls into the bed without a single word.

Did he realize my feelings for him? How disgusting they were? How I wanted to press my front against his back so he could feel my dick prodding his—

OH MY GOD.

I'm a pervert, I'm a fucking disgusting good-for-nothing pervert. How the hell am I supposed to control myself? Should I even sleep in the same bed as him, is it even _safe?_ Mother fucking god. I don't know what to do.

Kaneki's ignoring me because he knows I'm a carnal, ravenous human that thinks of nothing but sex (he was _raped!_ ). Of course he doesn't want to sleep with me.

With heavy feet and an even heavier heart I crawl to the top bunk. Alone. I'm cold without the warmth of his body.

I don't deserve Kaneki.

I rest on my side, lament my existence, and eventfully fall asleep.

**Kaneki POV**

I hate myself. Inside and out every part of me is infested with something disgusting. Vile. _Wrong._ How do I get it out? If I claw at my skin hard enough, scrape at my bones long enough, will I reach the source of this evil? Will I finally purge it from my soul?

Amon…I am nothing but a pervert, and I'm so sorry.

Over time, I had begun to notice a change within myself. My eyes constantly seek out Amon. He is the protective shelter I can huddle into and forget the world, he is the strong foundation I always wanted but never had. I'm curious about him, his job, his life, friends, family.

And now…and now…I'm curious about his _body._

I put a hand over my eyes. What is wrong with me? Why must I be so disgusting?

A woman laughs. _Such a slut Kaneki-kun. You sent even your lover away._

Lover? Amon? Is he my lover? If he was my lover I wouldn't have disgusted him so much to send him to the other bed.

My subtle glances in the shower…I hadn't meant to…I couldn't help it. He's just…just…

_Beautiful._

I squeeze my eyes tight. I should have known better. Now Amon knows I'm disgusting and wants nothing to do with me.

I can hear Amon's deep breathing, and I silently smile at the thought of him sleeping, even though I'm about to cry. Amon is sleeping on the top bunk, without me. If I sleep I will hurt, I will dream of Jason.

I do not want to enter that dreaded oblivion, but I'm glad he's able to get some rest.

"Mail for the ghoul!" I look up and a guard is at our cell. He slips a letter in between the bars and it falls to the floor.

Me…mail? How could I have mail? Hide, Touka, Yomo…nobody knows I'm here.

I force myself to approach the letter calmly, even though my inclination is to madly scramble to the white envelope and tear it open. I'm sure it's fine, it's totally fine.

I open the envelope. A picture falls face-down to the floor, and there's a folded piece of paper. I don't know why, but I'm anxious, scared. With a shaking hand I pick up the picture.

I scream.

XxXxXxX

**Amon POV**

I wake up to the most devastated cry I've ever heard in my life. From the tips of my hair to the tips of my toes I am in shock. It feels like I've just woken up on the battlefield, and I need to find my fallen brethren, who is being attacked and mauled by a ghoul. Fuck by the sound of the voice this person is _dying._

But when I open my eyes and lift my body I'm on a bed and inside a cell, and the source of the cry is a ghoul. It's not just a nameless ghoul either. It's…it's…

Without even thinking I spring into action and crouch beside him. "Neki? Kaneki what's wrong?!" He doesn't seem to hear me. He's holding a scribbled-on piece of paper and his tear droplets are staining the page. What is happening right now? What the fuck did I miss?

I place my hand on his shoulder but I'm certain he doesn't notice. I read the words over his shoulder.

_Hello ghoul. Kaneki. I know of your untimely imprisonment. I also know with some effort (and incentive) you can just as easily break out of this imprisonment. Within this letter you will find your incentive to break out. If you want him to survive, you will meet me two days from now at the Anteiku café._

_Until then._

I gape at the tear-stained, anonymous letter. I am astonished and disgusted by what I've read. I see a crumpled photo on the floor, and I pick it up to see a very familiar orange-haired boy. I know who this is. After a moment my memory sparks, and I gasp. It's Hideyoshi from the CCG!

This is who the mysterious person is threatening Kaneki with? Were Hideyoshi and Kaneki friends? The inner part of my mind wonders how a ghoul and human could become friends, but the greater part is tormented to see Kaneki in this situation. Why has he been put in this situation? Why is everyone hoping to see him fall?

Why can't people just leave him the fuck _alone?_

"It's okay Kaneki," I plead. "We'll get him back. I swear!"

"I have to break out of here…" His eyes are wide but his gaze is lifeless. He's holding his head in his hands. He looks like he's about to break. "I can't let Hide get hurt. I have to break out of here..."

"And you will. I'll help you." I can't think of how though. I know the guards are complacent though. Weak. They don't even have weapons designed for fighting ghouls.

But…the RC suppressants.

I blink. A split second after an idea sparks in my mind, Kaneki topples over me and knocks me to the floor. Based on his suddenly hungry expression he has the same idea. He unzips the front of my uniform and pulls the fabric off my shoulder. My entire body is frozen.

He's bent over, and his lips hover over my skin. "I have to save him."

His words thaw me, and I violently push him away then scramble backwards. "Wait Kaneki, wait!" I make sure he's listening before I continue. "I will allow this, I will. But you need to calm down, we need time to think. You can't jump into this without a plan, at least have _some_ idea of how you'll escape."

"I know exactly how." The way he speaks sends a chill down my spine. If he didn't have RC suppressant running through his veins I'm positive his kagune would be ominously spread behind him. "I will hurt whoever gets in my way." He's in a crouched stance, and for the first time since he became my cellmate…he's scaring me. "Will you get in my way?"

He's not thinking straight, his eyes are…different. _Dark._ Evil. I can't let him go down this path.

"Neki, please. Please stop this."

"I will kill whoever is threatening Hide."

I don't have a quinque, I have no way to defend myself. I'm desperate, there's nothing I can do. There's nothing I can do…

"Please Kaneki…don't…don't do this…"

He sucks in a breath, and he squeezes his eyes tight. His knees fall to the floor and he doubles over, holding his head with both hands.

"Ah, I didn't mean to. R-Rize. No…"

Rize? What is he talking about? Who? The only Rize I know is the Binge-Eater.

I inch forward. "Kaneki…?" He doesn't seem to hear me, nor does he seem to notice me beside him now. I contemplate if I should touch him, let him know I'm here. Gently, I run my fingers through his white hair.

His entire body freezes, and my heart drops to my stomach. Oh god. I fucked up. I shouldn't have touched him.

These few seconds seem to last a lifetime, and when he lifts his head I expect a chomp to the neck and blood to spew from my body. Instead, I stare wide-eyed at him. He has the biggest, most sorrowful eyes I've ever seen.

"Amon…" He sounds like he's about to cry. "I…I…"

I feel myself choke down a sob. I lightly brush his bangs out of his eyes. "Don't you dare apologize to me." I grit my teeth. "Don't you _dare."_

He throws a hand over his mouth, and the tears that flow from his eyes trickle over his fingers.

I can't take this anymore. I don't care if he thinks I'm a pervert. I carefully remove his hand from his mouth, bend down, then press my lips to his.

Fire engulfs me and I'm intoxicated by his being. I moan as he immediately deepens the kiss and wraps his arms around my neck. He crawls into my lap and I pull him closer. He's still crying, and I eagerly swallow his sobs.

I'm taking advantage of his vulnerability. I know I am. But with each kiss we share I become more and more absorbed into him and it's impossible to break away. It's like I am no longer whole as one entity, as Amon Koutarou. Without Kaneki I'm missing something crucial, something that gives me meaning to keep going.

"I want to protect you Neki," I exclaim in between kisses. A sob rips from Kaneki and the severity of my words increases tenfold. I _will_ protect him. I will protect him from anything and everything, and I will protect him with my life.

XxXxXxX

An hour later we're in his bed with my arms wrapped around his thin torso. His head is resting on my chest. I'm emotionally exhausted, and I can't even imagine how Kaneki feels right now. He's glassy-eyed and bears deep circles under his eyes.

"I have to save him. I have to save Hide…" His voice is soft, quiet, but it does not lack conviction.

I tighten my hold of him, so amazed by this small ghoul's dedication. "We'll save him." I'm dead serious.

"I need to bite you."

"I know," I agree. "I…I've been thinking about it, and you should escape in the morning, during the suppressant injections."

He mutters, "All of the ghouls' cells will be open…"

"Exactly." Initially I was thinking to escape tonight, when the inmates are let out for dinner. But the cells are opened too systematically, just a few at a time. Humans are let out before ghouls. During the injections, hopefully Kaneki's escape will incite the other ghouls into misconduct.

I smirk lightly at myself. Me, a ghoul investigator, hoping ghouls will disobey authority. How I've changed.

I caress the white hair beneath my chin. I don't regret it one bit.

Kaneki pecks a kiss on my neck and I shiver in delight at the intimate gesture. Everything about him is…breathtaking. "A-Amon…I'm sorry for this morning." This morning? My head is still in a daze and I can't think of what he could possibly be referring to. What went wrong this morning?

The showers…

My eyebrows fly up my forehead. The person who was in the wrong was _me._ Is he apologizing for _me_ being a disgusting insatiable pervert?

"What the hell are you sorry for Kaneki? You did nothing wrong."

He dips his head, and I can barely see the pink tint of his cheeks. He mutters, "J-Just accept my apology please." He sounds embarrassed.

I pout. I turn my head and puff my cheeks. "Nope."

He elbows me in the stomach. "Ass."

His body is small, and it's almost too easy to manhandle him beneath me. He halfheartedly fights me. His giggle is barely heard, but given the circumstances it's music to my ears.

I pin his wrists to the bed, careful not to squeeze his skin too tightly. "I don't accept apologies for apologies I don't agree with." _Especially when it's_ me _who should be apologizing…_ "However, if you desire to give me a kiss I won't complain, and I'll accept that as a fair alternative."

His smile is wider than I imagined it would be, and he leans up just enough to brush his lips against mine. I'm in heaven, a heaven on earth, but too soon he pulls away, ending the kiss.

I open my eyes—I don't remember closing them—to see him looking at me, his face grave and imploring.

He asks, "Will you escape with me?" His fingers grasp my disheveled uniform. "Please escape with me."

It was a thought I'd already considered, but hadn't come to a decision on. If I escape I'll have committed a felony, a crime even worse than the one that landed me here in the first place. I wouldn't be able to continue as a ghoul investigator, I may even be a wanted fugitive. Am I willing to take those kind of risks?

Kaneki is looking up at me with big, hopeful eyes. It's rare for me to see him look so alive. He never looked like this before he was my cellmate. Not when I saw him.

I have made my decision. I bend down and nuzzle my nose into his neck. "Yeah…I'll escape with you." I inhale his scent, oddly hoping to inhale this scent for years to come.

"Thank you…"

XxXxXxX

XxXxXxX

I couldn't sleep at all that night, and I don't think Kaneki did either. At some point to get rid of pent-up stress I began a ruthless exercise routine, maybe double my usual. During the push-ups Kaneki laid on my back, his stomach flush against my skin. His fingers traced gently along my shoulder blades, and every time I went down Kaneki's toes brushed the floor.

I'm glad I didn't ask him to count this time, and I didn't count out loud. I still don't understand why he reacted like that, why counting down had affected him so much. I hope one day he is willing to share.

I was holding a plank with Kaneki on my back for seven minutes when the intercom blared.

"All ghouls, line up for daily suppressants. All ghouls, line up for daily suppressants."

My heart beats loudly and my stomach fills with dread. Already…? The moment Kaneki and I have been waiting for. Make or break. Do or die. Oh fuck.

I'm in mid push-up and I drop to the floor. As I spin onto my back Kaneki adjusts accordingly, and now he's sitting on my hips, his legs around my waist. "Ready?" he asks breathlessly. I can tell he's hungry for me. I nod jerkily, and he positions his teeth against my shoulder.

I gasp loudly as bony teeth sink into my flesh. I am a ghoul investigator allowing a ghoul to use me as a snack. Fuck. What was I thinking, this hurts so bad.

On the shoulder Kaneki isn't biting into I can feel his fingers dancing along my skin. He's trying to distract me, and oddly enough it's working. I concentrate solely on the feel of his fingers. I want to feel them everywhere. My palms, my hair, my chest, my back. I want him to touch me _everywhere._

I'm honestly amazed at Kaneki. Even though he is taking human food—food he hasn't eaten in _months_ — he is still in control of himself. He is still him.

For as painful as it felt, it probably only lasted twenty seconds. He unhinges his jaw and removes his teeth from my skin. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. His single kakugan is visible, and I have never been so in awe of it before. I don't remember ever thinking it was so beautiful.

"Amon..." He is panting. "Your taste...I have never tasted anything like that."

I chuckle lightly, and I carefully pull my uniform back over my shoulder. "Yeah, well we're not gonna make a habit of it okay?" I ignore the part of me that _liked_ being bitten by him. Me having newly-developed masochistic tendencies is not something I want to own up to right now.

Kaneki nods and stands. Blood is still dribbling along his bottom lip, and I soak it up with one messy kiss. I'm tasting me, my blood, but I'm tasting Kaneki too. And god he tastes so good.

We end the kiss just a moment after. His breath flows into my mouth as he asks, "Are you ready?"

I'm not. I'm not I'm really not. But I have to be strong. For Kaneki. I nod, and on shaky feet I stand.

I almost shout in surprise as four kagune rip holes out of Kaneki's lower back. They dangle fiercely, and I can feel their immense strength in the air around it. The black sclera of his kakugan bleeds into his red iris, and I stare in wonder. I thought it before, but…he's beautiful. He's truly, truly beautiful.

I hear shouts coming from outside the cell. Only moments later and an alarm is blaring throughout the prison. They know.

 _"Let's go,"_ Kaneki growls, and he runs out of the cell. I follow, and I immediately notice the guards starting to file in. I've always complained they're complacent, but they are surprisingly prompt. Fuck.

Kaneki and I run past the line of cells and, try as I might, I can feel myself losing ground. Kaneki is fast, fucking _fast_. How can I keep up with him?

The shouts continue, and I can hear the loud clinking of metal. The guards...as I've said a thousand times, are complacent. They don't have quinques, or Q bullets. Something that stupidly didn't occur to me though...

I am human.

As if on queue pain pierces through my body like an explosion of metal. I hit the ground with a thunderous smack. I vaguely hear my name being called from a voice that sounds like a lullaby. I can't get up, and my hand shakily searches for the source of my fall. My back...my back hurts. What happened?

Kaneki yells my name again, but it's too late. The last thing I see is the pavement of the floor as I smack into it.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At last we are nearing the finish line. Commence Chapter 9, our final chapter!

**Kaneki's POV**

Regret.

Regret is a strong emotion, isn't it? Convictions can be so fierce, so strong, but once the hand is dealt and you accept your cards you realize what a fool you were. How did you let yourself stray? How had you previously convinced yourself what a grand idea this was?

In my head, I feel regret. I regret this entire plan of escape to the point I want to throw up and curl into a ball and die.

I feel regret, but what I feel more is fear. Amon is bleeding on the ground and everything has gone horribly horribly wrong. The single gunshot that pierced Amon initiated an attack of such magnitude I can feel the walls shaking. The ghouls have erupted from their cells and are now attacking, killing, _feeding._ The human inmates are safe behind their bars (for now), but the guards...

It doesn't matter, not now. I race to Amon's fallen body. The kagune sprouting out of my back violently lash out and knock down guards and inmates alike, and I let them fall like dominoes.

I pick up Amon, doing my best to shield his body with my own. One of the ghouls hisses at me, saliva dripping down his chin. I recognize him. He is Danzo Gershille, the large ghoul that got in a fight with Amon in the cafeteria. He wants Amon. He wants to eat Amon...

_Are you going to let him eat your perfect meal, Kaneki-kun?_

I laugh, the sound foreign to my ears. I wish I could stay, and make this ghoul realize that threatening Amon is the biggest mistake anyone could make. I want to strangle him with his own intestines, cut off his toes and stick them in every hole in his body. Maybe I could create some new holes, and put them in there as well.

_Kaneki-kun, my sweet, focus._

My eyes glimmer. Ah, that's right. Danzo.

With one swift motion I use my kagune and break his neck.

Still carrying Amon's body I run. I break out of the cell room and into the hallway that leads to the courtyard. Alarms are blaring and emergency exits are being electronically secured.

But I'm faster than them, right now I'm faster than everything. I break through to the outside and into the courtyard, and I race out of there as well. Soon we're off Quinx Penitentiary property altogether.

My running takes us into a forest, where the tall trees and greenery give us camouflage.

"Amon? Amon, are you awake? Wake up please, please." I set him down against a rock. The blood has soaked through the back of his shirt, and my hands are covered in thick red.

I want to eat it, I'm desperate for food, but somehow my mentality is strong enough to withhold.

I take off his uniform, strip off the cleanest piece, and use it as a bandage. I tie it tight, hoping it's tight enough to constrict blood flow.

He's still unconscious. I check his pulse, and almost groan in relief when I feel the faint thump under my fingers. I pet his cheek, his strong jaw, his chin. Everywhere I touch leaves a trail of blood.

_You want to lick it, don't you Kaneki-kun?_

I can feel my body shaking (I'm so hungry), but with strained muscles I pick him up. I need to find a road, somewhere that will take me back to Anteiku cafe.

Anteiku café…the mere thought makes my heart shudder.

For hours we travel. Amon hasn't regained consciousness, but frequently ( _too_ frequently) I check his pulse and make sure he's still alive. The sun has drifted down to the horizon of the trees by the time we arrive, at last, to Anteiku café. The place I hold so many memories. The place I used to call my home. The place Hide's captor demanded I arrive.

Hide…

Walking into Anteiku café for the first time in a long time feels like an out-of-body experience. The café looks exactly how it was when I left, the beige walls, clean tables, homely atmosphere. I fear that my mere presence taints this beautiful place.

People I love and cherish seem to spot me quickly (oh how long it's been). With blurred vision I see them hurry toward me. They notice the large body in my arms, the blood spatters covering every inch of our bodies. Among these people I see one person, bright, fiery orange hair, and kind eyes drenched in worry.

Hide…I'm so glad you're okay.

I fall to my knees. This body can endure no more. Hide is alright, I have brought Amon to safety. My job is done. I can finally rest.

I feel myself falling, and I allow myself to hit rock bottom. At last I am done.

XxXxXxX

_**2 Days Later** _

**Amon's POV**

When I wake up it seems like I've slept a lifetime. It feels like life has passed me by and I'm only just now deciding to join in again. What happened? I don't remember anything. I don't open my eyes but I know I'm somewhere foreign. Where am I?

A soft hand is stroking my hair, and I hope it never stops. I want to lean into it but I know I don't have the strength. This hand is so memorable, who is it…who…who…

Kaneki.

Kaneki. The ghoul I have absolutely, unequivocally fallen in love with.

I slowly open my eyes, and the first thing I see upon awakening is soft brown eyes and stark white hair. He is smiling at me, his eyes look tired. Too tired. He looks like he's been crying. Why were you crying for me Kaneki? There's no need.

"A-Amon…" he whispers. That one word is filled with so much emotion. I want to reach out to him, touch him, but I feel weak.

"Hey Neki," I say, my voice hoarse from lack of use. I try to smile but my face doesn't feel like it's woken up yet. I hope it worked. He holds my hand, and I squeeze his lightly. "What happened?"

"You were shot. I'm so sorry, it was my fault. I don't know how I could have forgotten—"

"Hey, none of that. I'm fine." I squeeze the hand tighter. "Everything's fine."

He inhales, takes a deep breath. He looks so tired. I remember escaping from Quinx Penitentiary now. I remember stabbing pain, then falling. Kaneki must have carried me to this place.

God...I can't imagine what he went through. I don't think I want to know.

I don't want to focus on that, I _can't_ focus on that. Instead I assess my body, taking note of injuries. The more I awaken the more I notice the progressive throbbing in my back. "I was shot...i-in my back," I say, voice unsteady. I can feel sweat drip down my forehead, and I'm nervous, scared. I…I hope it wasn't my spine.

Kaneki seems to have read my mind. He takes a towel from the bedside table and lightly dabs my forehead. "When Yomo-san first saw you…he didn't think you would make it. We thought it went through the spine, and that you'd be paralyzed, or d-dead." He takes a deep breath. Once again, I so thoroughly realize how strong Kaneki is. While I've been unconscious (I don't even know how long), he has been here, likely by my side, worrying about me. Kaneki…has been through enough. He has been through _more_ than fucking enough.

Suddenly he squeezes my hand tight, tighter than ever before, and I immediately look up to see his face. He's smiling. He's, he's… _smiling_. It's so big and bright.

He's looking at me with the happiest eyes. "But it didn't hit the spine Amon. It's healing fine now, and you'll be able to walk in a few weeks. Yomo-san wants to keep you here longer though, just to keep an eye on you."

He's so happy, so fucking happy and I love it. I smile back, and I'm glad I'm healing well more because Kaneki's happy than my own well-being.

In the back of my mind I feel like there's something I'm missing. When Kaneki and I escaped from Quinx Penitentiary there was something we were doing. There was a _reason_. But I can't remember, and Kaneki is so fucking happy right now. Whatever it was, I assume everything's okay.

I'm also oddly curious where exactly my bullet wound is. As an investigator I fought ghouls. I've never been shot by a regular gun before.

I ask, "Where in my back was I shot?". I weakly lift my hand and try to feel around my back where it is.

"Latissimus dorsi." Kaneki immediately takes my hand before I can reach the entry wound. He keeps it in both his small hands. "Don't touch it, it's bandaged."

But I'm still stuck on what he said initially. Uh…Latis dor what?

"What?"

He asks, "What?"

I'm speechless. I gather my thoughts. "Where did you say I got shot?"

"Latissimus dorsi." By my facial expression he can clearly tell I need more explanation. He turns around and points to the middle of his own back. "The latissimus dorsi is one of the largest muscles in the back. It's responsible for extension, flexion, and adduction. It also plays a synergistic role with the lumbar spine. If you'd like I can—"

"Kiss me Neki."

He stops talking, and he turns around to face me. He eyes me carefully.

Then he takes a step forward and grins. "I thought you'd never ask."

He bends down, our lips meet, and never in my years have I felt so alive.

XxXxXxX

Kaneki is laying on the bed with me, lying across my non-injured side. I hold his hand in mine, and I lightly pet my thumb along his small knuckles. I have been here a week now, and Kaneki has been by my side just as long. Our relationship has grown stronger, and I have fallen for him harder than I thought I could ever fall for someone in my life. Each day more kisses are shared, and I don't think I'll ever get enough.

Content, I look around at my surroundings. The room is inviting and comfortable. I am not in a hospital, like I initially thought despite the dark beige walls, but Anteiku café. Anteiku café, the place the "kidnapper" in the note demanded Kaneki go to.

The "kidnapper" who was also the kidnappee.

My fingers are idly playing with Kaneki's thumb and forefinger when speak of the devil Hideyoshi enters the room. At the CCG I had known he was intelligent, sharp. I just didn't realize he was this _diabolical._

"Hideyoshi, explain to me again why you faked your own kidnapping?"

He's walking into the room with bags of food. He sets them on the table, chuckling sheepishly. "I wanted Kaneki out of jail. Simple as that." The first time he explained it, I had apparently been unconscious. Kaneki updated me though, and then yesterday it became a heated debate again. Kaneki was angry, angrier than I'd ever seen him in my life. _Hide, you lied to me! When I arrived at Anteiku I thought you were dead. Both you and Amon…you were both…both…_

Kaneki had been carrying my unconscious body, thinking I too was dying. It had to have hurt so bad, he must have gone through so much.

But…I understand Hideyoshi's side as well. His best friend has been through enough. I'd never known this, but Kaneki was rotting in Quinx Penitentiary under the false charge of murder, of a human girl that committed suicide. Kaneki had been in prison for months, knowing he'd probably be there for _decades_. All because a girl decided to take her life that day.

Hideyoshi was selfish for Kaneki's sake, all because Kaneki is the epitome of selfless. Every inch of his body is at the whim of someone else; if they need something, he will gladly give it. That's the kind of person he is.

I move back to the present. Kaneki and Hide are currently bantering lightly, much of the recent past already forgive and forget. My hand is still running along Kaneki's small knuckles. Kaneki is selfless, but I vow to allow that no longer. Kaneki can be selfless, but I will be equally selfless. More selfless. The most selfless person in the world. I will give every piece of my soul and heart and life to Kaneki, and I will do it every moment of every day for the rest of my days.

"Hideyoshi."

I interrupt whatever they were talking about. They stop conversing and look at me.

"I would like to speak with Kaneki alone."

Hideyoshi looks curious, but after a moment he grins and walks off. "No problem. I'll be back in twenty though, so don't take too long." He waves and shuts the door behind him.

Kaneki resituates on the bed to get a better view of me. I wonder what my expression looks like right now. I wonder how he sees me.

"Neki, I…when I first met you I despised you. You were a creature I didn't understand and couldn't relate with. You wanted change, yet you were a ghoul." I take a deep breath. "But now…" I overlap my fingers with his, and I stare into his brown eyes. "You mean the world to me, and I never want to go a day without you. Kaneki…I don't even care if you're a fucking ghoul. I love you."

The last word leaves my lips and suddenly Kaneki is kissing me. My mouth, my cheeks, my neck, everywhere. I'm being showered with the scent and presence of Kaneki, the most beautiful ghoul in the universe.

"I love you Amon you mean so much to me I don't know what I would've done if you'd been hurt please never die."

I chuckle, so fucking happy I feel like I'm fluttering on a cloud. He scatters kisses all over me, and I gently angle his lips to press against mine. I carefully resituate his body until he's sitting on top of me, and my fingers nudge beneath his shirt. The thin skin of his abdomen feels soft, warm. I stroke it, and ecstasy runs through me when Kaneki arches his back.

I'm aroused, my bulge is so big it's rubbing against Kaneki's thigh. As he arches his back I take his neck into my mouth, nibbling and sucking.

His moan is heaven, and I'm utterly intoxicated by him.

"W-Wait Amon…"

My brain screeches to a halt. I think about how we're situated in the bed. Kaneki has been abused, tortured, _raped_. Yet I'm touching him like this? Like a fucking pervert?

I'm about to scream and fling myself out of the bed, injury be damned, when Kaneki pushes both my shoulders down against the bed, holding me there. "I'm fine, i-it's not that. It's not that. It's…something else."

I try to tell my body to calm down. I want to be the perfect person, the perfect lover for Kaneki. But my mind is racing with potential problems, a thousand different angles that this could all fall down like a house of cards. All because of me.

My heart is beating fast. The collar of his shirt is disheveled and a hickey is appearing on his neck. My body is tempted but I refrain. The desire to listen to Kaneki's words keeps me in my place.

"Yes?"

"I-It's about…me…being a ghoul." He's sitting on my lap, and he fiddles with my shirt sleeve. He cracks a knuckle. I wait. My palms are sweaty. I'm nervous.

A few minutes pass before he speaks. "I will tell you something, but…please be prepared. It's not something you will expect."

I'm confused and more curious than ever. His expression looks almost scared. Please don't be _scared_ to tell me something.

"I want to know your story Kaneki." He looks up, seemingly grateful for my intrusion. "But, I don't want it to come at a price. I will never pressure you into telling me about your past or your secrets. I want to know, but what I want more than anything is for you to feel whole. Safe."

That seems to ignite a fire in him and I'm so fucking happy when he leans over and kisses me. It's just as passionate as our first, and too soon he backs away. His nerves are back and he continues fiddling with my sleeve. He licks his lips. "I-I only have one kakugan, and…there's a reason for that. I…" He pauses. "I was once human."

I stare. I stare. I stare as I'm thrown into a state of utter bewilderment and shock. I want to know all of his secrets, but…is this secret even possible? It takes several seconds for my mouth to work. "Wh…What?"

Kaneki swallows nervously, and then he begins his story. With each word I sink deeper and deeper. This story is the kind of story that appears in nightmares, a story that's too horrific to be true. I am sad for Kaneki, but I am also so fucking angry for him. How horrible, inhumane, _evil_ …

Kaneki completes his story, and in this instance it would be completely appropriate for him to be crying. But he's not. His cheeks are dry and his eyes are sad.

My voice is shaky and my heart hurts. "So he…s-so some doctor…t-turned you…into a ghoul?"

He nodded. "Before I was captured and imprisoned, I'd been trying to find the doctor who performed the surgery on me. Kanou." He shook his head futilely, and I understood its meaning.

I'm anguished for him, and in a way so fucking sorry for him. That fateful night was likely the beginning of all the tragedy he endured. He was turned into a ghoul, his body morphed with part of the Binge-Eater ghoul. Rize. He isolated himself from his best friend Hide out of fear. He was raped, tortured. His hair turned white from the stress. His entire world was flipped upside down and it all began with that _stupid fucking_ doctor.

I honestly want to find that doctor. I want to find him and capture him and _crush him._

I look into Kaneki's eyes. My gaze is fuzzy. "Thank you for sharing your story Neki." I'm surprised I have the strength to speak. My brain is so addled, I'm still so angry.

He smiles lightly. "You handled it better than I thought you would." A finger traces lightly along my jaw, and I know he can feel the tightness of the muscle. He massages it until I finally relax it, releasing tension.

I shudder. "W-Why…" I shake my head. "Why did it have to be you?"

His eyes are glazed, and I look into them with equally glazed vision. A tear falls and I quickly wipe it off my cheek. "I h-hate that this happened to you, but…" I finally smile. I smile, because his past is tragic, but I can make his future so much _better._

I take his palm and kiss it. "I already admitted to loving the ghoul part of you. I have no problem loving the human part as well."

He smiles in response, and it's bright enough for me to forget any guilt or sadness I had felt previously.

"Now that that has been said…" he purrs idly. "Where were we?" I cock my head to the side. He pulls his shirt collar to the side, revealing smooth, creamy skin. "I think you were in the process of giving me hickeys..."

My cheeks blaze red and my dick hardens to thrice its size. My moment of mourning is gone, because I am suddenly very, _very_ aroused.

"I would love to continue where I left off," I say, brain blown. I lick my lips then dive into the nape of Kaneki's neck. Just as he moans the door to the room slams open.

"Guysss, I'm back! And I brought more food—omg what are y'all doing you realize this is still a public place right jeez show some decency!"

My cheeks are redder than ever before and Kaneki is giggling. An angelic noise really. If I wasn't so embarrassed I would have my attention solely on his laugh.

As it stands though…

I grab the nearest pillow and fling it at Hide. "Hideyoshi get out of here we're clearly busy!"

I smack him in the face and he wails in annoyance and pain. "Owww, how mean!" I throw another pillow and tag him in the leg. He limps out, "Fine, _god._ You're such a bully. You owe me!"

Even after Hideyoshi leaves Kaneki is laughing and wiping tears from his eyes. "Amon…" He bends forward, similar to how he had before we were interrupted. "You are beautiful." Before I can respond ( _he_ is a thousand times more beautiful than I'll ever be) he takes his lips into mine, and I moan unexpectedly at how hot his mouth feels. His body is a cavern of heat, and it invites me in.

When I first joined the CCG so long ago, I would have never guessed this is where my life would lead. When I first became cellmates with Kaneki, I thought I would continue my loathing toward him, my _hatred_. But, instead…

Instead I am kissing a ghoul, in love with a ghoul. In the blink of an eye my entire world revolves around this ghoul. I want to take all of his pain off his shoulders and place them onto mine. I want to make him _happy._ Happier than he's ever been in his life. For the rest of his life.

My passion and desire for him burns. The hard-on between my legs is relentless, but I don't act on it. I _won't_ act on it…until Kaneki's ready.

I pull him in for another passionate kiss, our tongues colliding and meshing. His taste is heaven, and I'm desperate for more, _more_. We pull away only when the need to breathe is screaming at us to stop. "A-Amon…" he moans. His hair is disheveled. His lips are red and kiss-swollen.

I am spellbound and utterly defenseless against his beauty.

"Would you like to continue?" He has a choice to say no, he will _always_ have a choice to say no.

"Yes."

Our lips meet again and suddenly two becomes one. I am Amon Koutarou, former ghoul investigator of the CCG. I am Amon Koutarou, desperately in love with a ghoul.

I am Amon Koutarou and I am, for the first time in my life, whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there we have it! Officially complete. I'm incredibly thankful to everyone that followed this through to the end. All of your support has been incredible.^_^ 
> 
> Hope everyone enjoyed! Until next time!


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